Broken Glass Park
My Absolute Nightmare Life
I don't mean to constantly compare myself to others. Just incredibly sick of hearing everyone's holiday plans and the people they plan to spend their holidays with. "Everyone has problems," "Things aren't what they seem." Yeah, yeah, yeah. My husband and I had many problems - really bad ones. Still beats what I'm going through now by at least, a million times. So, the people saying that stuff can shut the fuck up. They don't know shit.
The clerk at the store was like, "You don't look happy." No, I'm not at all. I have no reason to be. I'm glad he said that to me, though - it got me to cry everything out. My grief is such that... I had a massive panic attack at work today... Everyone all happy that it's Thanksgiving. Must be nice. Every muscle in my body was sore, I had trouble breathing, I was nauseous, my heart was racing, I was jittery and sweating. I know I'm not sick because I feel fine when I'm not at work and/or not around people. 😕😕😕
Just imagine having absolutely no one. My life is like an outer darkness, a hell. Wailing, gnashing of teeth, all that.
You try to talk to people - about the same things they are talking about, so as to not be off-topic - they completely ignore you. They can go fuck themselves.
Your "friends" abandon you. When your husband dies, they forget about you too. I may as well have died too.
They tell you they can't hang out with you, unless you get the vaccine. You tell them you got it. And yes, I did. Not only for this reason, but so I could travel. I have some regret, but it's insanely difficult to make certain decisions when you have absolutely no one in this world... 😕😕😕 I'm just surviving. Nearly 3 months now, they haven't called or texted me. The longest time since my husband died. So much for "hanging out." I hate people. 😢😢😢
Today was so terrible. I survived. I'll continue surviving. I feel like I'm rotting away. My Grief is impacting me physically. People can die of a broken heart, of loneliness.
I'm not really getting used to this "being alone" thing, after all. I think I am, but then I have sudden horrific panic attacks. They seem to come out of nowhere! I'm physically falling apart.
I live (not really...) without the most basic and fundamental psychological need of every human... Love.
Without oxygen, food and water you will die a physical death.
What kind of death comes from lack of love?!?!
This is a nightmare beyond what so many humans can comprehend. I realize that may sound over-dramatic, but when everyone around you has at least one family member or friend in their life and a certain happy light... Even people with depression... not to downplay that, but Grief completely trumps depression. Also, I do have a tiny bit of perspective. I know there's people that have it worse than me.
May God save us all. In Jesus' name, I pray, amen.
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