Midnight Rants
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2021-11-25 15:38:06 (UTC)


Dear Diary,

I fell asleep straight away last night after writing my first diary entry. I guess it's been a long time since I've written such long paragraphs all at once. However, I didn't get to finish off the story of how my day completely turned around. I'm scared that if I don't write down the events from yesterday as soon as possible, it will eventually fade out of my mind and I'll soon forget the story of how I met him.

After I left the toilets, I had a Supervised Study session.
Supervised Study is a lesson where you sit in complete silence and study by yourself in a large room full of other students. The desks are small and square-shaped made for one person only, and they're arranged neatly into rows. I hate to say this but it feels like detention and the teacher tells you off if you make one small noise.

But on my way up the stairs, I heard someone call my name. I turned around and it was my friend Tasneem.
Tasneem is the most kindest person I know at school and we can talk about anything. She's not really in my friendship group but we do hang out a lot whenever we see each other. She's Arab and her family are from Libya so she speaks fluent Arabic.
I'm current learning to speak Arabic so sometimes we try to have conversations with each other in Arabic and that's kind of how we became friends. Also her fashion sense is amazing. The weirdest thing we have both noticed is that whenever I wear purple, she happens to ALWAYS wear purple and match with me coincidentally on the same day.

"Where are you going?" she said. "Didn't you hear that we changed rooms for this lesson? It's a good thing I saw you." she said and laughed.
We made our way to the new room, and it was the exact same room I was in at lunch with Safa. I saw Safa sitting at the back of the room with Shamso and I didn't want to think about her and what happened earlier.
Me and Tasneem sat at a round table with computers. She started telling me how apparently I have a really cute giggle. I just don't hear it but EVERYONE says that to me and I don't understand why.
When we study in this room, the setting feels more casual as we're not separated into single tables. So we don't get told off for talking.
I opened my backpack and started taking out my books when someone sat down next me.

It was Abdullah Ka****

I don't really know much about him, but all I know is that almost every single Asian girl in my year group has a crush on him. And I kind of do understand why I guess.
He is tall, handsome and his brown hair is curly- especially towards the front, followed by a smooth angular jawline with a shaved beard. He always wears a white t-shirt and jeans, but today he was wearing a black t-shirt instead.
I think he lives in my neighbourhood because he always walks home and to school in the same direction as me.
We've never spoken to each other before, except one time when he asked a question on the Psychology group chat and no one replied to him. So I sent him a picture of the topics to revise. Back then I had no idea who he was. It was only this year when we were put in the same class for supervised study, I found out.
No one calls him by his first name, Abdullah. They all call him by his last name Ka****. I don't understand why though. He has such a beautiful name.

Tasneem looked at me and said "these headphones I'm wearing are actually transparent."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Then she explained to me how she can hear everything else going on in the room at the same time as listening to her headphones. I found that so cool.

"What does transparent mean?" Abdullah asked Tasneem. Tasneem and Abdullah seem to know each other really well as they are close friends from high school.
She tried to explain to him but he couldn't understand, so I explained to him. That was the first time I heard him speak and his voice sounded so chilled and relaxed with a hint of enthusiasm. It was my first time speaking to him and I was so surprised by how talkative he is. I don't know why whenever I saw him, he always gave off some quiet energy like he barely talks. But he's the total opposite. Our conversation went from transparent earphones to Squid Game, Death Note, Prison Break, Money Heist, Peaky Blinders, our family, friends, Psychological issues, plans for the future, arranged marriage, religion vs culture and so much more.

He asked me first what kind of music I listen to. I said K-pop and he replied by saying, "that's good, I was so scared you were going to say BTS or something."

Yes Diary, as an ARMY, you must know exactly what I thought when I heard that.
He found it weird that I listen to music that I can't understand. But I explained to him how you can search up the English translation online and that it's all about the feeling.

The next thing he said made me unable to stop laughing. He laughed and said "SO YOU GO THROUGH ALL THAT EFFORT AND TIME TO MEMORISE THE TRANSLATION FOR ALL THEIR SONGS?" I told him that I have been watching Korean dramas for almost 7 years so it's easy for me to understand a lot of Korean and read subtitles simultaneously.
He said that's really cool and that I must love Squid Game then...AND I HATE SQUID GAME. When I told him the plot of Squid Game, he said to me,
"but wouldn't you also do anything for money? If I offered you 10 billion pounds to punch me or Tasneem wouldn't you do it?"
Of course I wouldn't do that because I would never want to inflict any harm onto anyone and money isn't everything. Abdullah found me really weird when I said that to him and he said,
"How are you even thinking about this? You're just nice. Anyone would say yes straight away. You're so different."

So I don't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or not. But as he was talking, I couldn't help but notice his deep brown chocolatey eyes. It was a strange feeling. I've never had a conversation with a boy for that long in my entire life. I usually find it uncomfortable to talk to boys and I always like to keep the conversation short.
But somehow when I'm talking to Abdullah it feels comfortable and almost natural. The conversation just flowed and the hour flashed by in an instant. I completely forgot all the bad things that happened with Safa and all the awful emotions that made me hate myself earlier on.

He's different from any guy I've ever met. I didn't even know guys like him exist in real life.

He's friendly, kind, funny and intelligent. He studies Physics, one of the most hardest subjects out there. Tasneem has the highest grades in their physics class and he has the second highest. He told me that they always compete for the highest grades but he can't ever beat Tasneem. His love for Psychology made me even happier. It's my favourite subject and he is so genuinely interested in it, I can see the passion and excitement in his eyes and the way he talks. It's so cute.
He argued how the message Squid Game is trying to portray is evident from Milgram's obedience study in Psychology. But I disagree because participants only went to the highest voltage because they believed the authority figure would take responsibility for their actions.
He persuaded me to watch the anime Death Note and described the entire plot to me. I'm definitely going to start watching it, it sounds so cool!

We were talking about friends. Abdullah named me two of his best friends and said to me that he doesn't have a lot of friends. All the boys he knows and has known since high school do bad things like drugs and hanging out in the wrong crowd. He is afraid he will end up like them and lose himself and Islam so he keeps his distance and makes sure he is surrounded by the right people. I really admire him for that. I told him, "It's quality not quantity."

His parents didn't want him to study Psychology because they said "it's a subject for girls". They want him to go into either engineering or become a doctor, just like all the other Asian parents wish for their sons. We couldn't stop laughing at this because it's too relatable. He's Pakistani and we realised that we are both from the same small village in Pakistan. When he heard I am half Bengali too he couldn't believe it and thought it was so cool.

We found out that we have both applied for the same university and are commuting from home. We share the same interests and even think alike. He wants to go into marketing and work as a real estate agent, alongside his dream to build a mosque for young children with his cousin- who I found out is shockingly that quiet extremely clever A* student in my chemistry class. I don't see the resemblance at all, but I guess the brains run in the family.

I had never spoken to Abdullah before and barely knew him, yet he somehow already knew my name.

I don't know why I can't seem to get him off my mind...It's like a disease spreading all over my body and all I can think about is him. I've never felt this way about anyone before and it's like a weird, happy and overwhelming emotion constantly bubbling up inside of me.