a list of occurrences
”お猿 " [romaji: osaru] by ミドり [romaji: midori] [I showed my dad Midori yesterday briefly, and later he said, "I want to hear more of that music with the great backing band and the terrible singing voice" LMAO. I'm so glad he liked it!!! Midori is what is known as "punk jazz" and I haven't really heard anything like it, it's nice to have someone else appreciate it with me. I also showed him Hakushi Hasegawa and he liked that too! And then also, in a different strain, I showed him Mid-Air Thief and he liked that!!! I was so happy. I love my dad]
November 25, 2021 Thursday 11:48 AM
1. Dreams are stupid and don't bother me mostly. I saw a girl get her fingers cut off. And then that same dream, I had the most distressing time clinging to life in the face of inevitable death. Basically, it was really likely I was going to die prematurely and in a horrible way—like drowning or bleeding out or, idk, burning in a cleverly-esconded pit of acid. It was very Dostoevsky of me~~ lol. I re-read my essay from two years ago about Ippolit in Dostoevsky's The Idiot. I wrote the essay while my Grandma was dying, so I was thinking at that time about death, plus I was depressed, yadda yadda. The essay was about how terrified Ippolit was, how horrific it is to be so close to death that it swallows everything like that—there's no fathoming it, there's no stopping it.
Anyway, that's sort of how I felt in the dream, like Ippolit. And yet I woke up fine, out of this distressing situation, well-rested. I was more bothered by the girl getting her fingers cut off, because there was a lot of blood and I couldn't do anything to help her. But worse, I think, was that I couldn't imagine her dying and the idea distressed me so much, more than the thought of myself dying. It's not because I cared about her—although I did—it's more that it was just so impossible to imagine, like I was straining against an unspoken law. It felt wrong to even attempt to decode it, but I couldn't help it, the images in front of me just didn't compute.
I was thinking I could change it all if I just wanted it hard enough. Which is often how I feel in real life AND in dreams/nightmares. In dreams: sometimes it works, sometimes it only half-works and I'm stuck experiencing and re-experiences the most horrific part of the dream, and then, you know, other times it doesn't work at all and I watch a random girl bleed to death as a blade repeatedly guillotines her fingers. And when her fingers are gone, it cuts off the remaining nub, and her eyes roll back into her head, she passes out for seconds at a time and then comes awake again screaming and crying and begging, and I scream back begging for it to stop.
Reminds me of how my mom cries when I cry. I'm the same way with people I love. Anyway! Despite how it may sound, I wasn't bothered by the dream or anything. It was only just disturbing enough for me to remember. I was more interested in how I could sleep soundly through a dream like that, but I woke up sobbing when I dreamed a fight with my family, lolololol.
2. I've had some anxiety the past couple days! Which I've only noted because it's mental and not very physical. I keep having those intrusive memories again. If I didn't have the Trazadone, I would've dreaded trying to sleep and being left alone with my mind, but luckily I didn't have to worry about that.
Now that I've pretty much officially "lost" my job—can I say that about a contract that never even began?—I am both energized and just. Wow.
My pride is really getting battered. It really drives home the volume of my pride, lmao. I always knew I had it, it's kind of been a splint for my generally flimsy mental health. If I can't be happy, then I need to pretend for my family and for my pride, you know? I can't let others see me failing, and that leaks into everything, down to inconsequential track practices where I'd run until I wanted to throw up and up to the cowed way I felt when I graduated college without honors (being depressed and mood-swingy doesn't feel like a legitimate excuse to me, and it likely never will).
The thing I'm dreading about today is people asking me what I'm doing with my life. Maybe I should just say, "I am happily unemployed."
It's not just that that bothers me, it's that I am relying so heavily on my parents, it's that I'm faced with my own privilege and it hurts. We aren't rich. One of the formative memories I have of my mom is her worrying (read: getting angry) about money. She told me the other day that they were just barely getting by. But now my dad is tenured and makes more money and they can afford nice things (and YET, so many of our appliances are in a state of disrepair, lmao..... I constantly mourn our broken shower. I just want a hot bath ahhhhh). So they can take care of me and it's fine.
I hate that, I really do. I should be grateful and I am, but I also just feel so ashamed. I wanted to get by on my own.
4. I've been crazy productive and I also feel like I've done nothing at all. In light of all the above, you know?
I started learning Hiragana. Oddly enough, I think I want to go to Japan more than I want to go anywhere else. I've been way more excited about this than I was about learning Mandarin, or even Russian... I love being able to recognize and read characters in the Japanese music I listen to, or in the titles of animes. I also really love Japanese food (one thing, though—is that I wish I were more a fan of seaweed/kelp, which is kind of a major part of their diet... I like some types, like. I like kelp-based dashi and I like wakame if it's in soups or pickled dishes, but I can't eat wakame on it's own because of the texture, it freaks me out. I also tried to use some leftover kombu—I made dashi—to make a side dish awhile ago, and once again, I was put off by the texture. I'm determined to accustom myself).
Anyway, I think of all places I could go, I want to go to Japan. I also have been considering a program that brings people to Spain, but it's kind of selective, I think. Even if I go to Spain, I think I'm going to continue trying to learn Japanese just because I do want to go there eventually, if at least to visit.
I also started learning manga cleaning on photoshop. It's both really fun and extremely tedious. I'm going to reach out to this girl now who works on a team that releases Yuri manga to see if I can help cleaning/redrawing the manga scenes. It's not paid and it's time-consuming, but for some reason, I just really want to do it.
I'm trying to find freelance jobs. My sister told me to just ask everyone possible, even former bosses, but the idea makes me feel sick. I hate being seen in this state. I feel like a failure. It also feels stupid of me to have so much pride about this—I'm not a failure. This isn't a circumstance I had much control over and I still tried.
But it feels like it's my fault and like I should've done better. I know I need to get over myself. I both need to get over myself and... under.. myself? Because I am feeling so deeply like I'm not capable of anything.
What else? I've been reading My Sputnik Sweetheart. It's pretty addicting to read. I've only ever read one other thing by Murakami, and it was a story about a little girl crawling into a hole and her brother having intense anxiety about it. It was super haunting...
Running outside is getting harder because of how cold it is outside. I need to buy more thermal undershirts. The air is so dry and frigid that my lungs sort of ache for days after, but I also like the feeling of inhaling. I was thinking of spoon scraping the bottom of a cheap ceramic bowl, is how it felt, sort of. Or the image I got at least.
5. I don't remember why but I thought of Melvin quite a few times this week. Sometimes I catch myself making a face I remember seeing on his face. He pursed his lips and shook his head, lol. I can't bring myself to feel guilty for copping his concept and using it in my head as a fuel for inspiration and thought and stuff.
I can't remember but I had another thought about "him." Oh, yeah. I guess I was reminded of him because I read No Longer Human. So I've been thinking about this character, lately, the one that I seem to like so much—the Holden Caulfields. People who sort of alienate themselves from society, or feel they are alienated by society. It depends on your interpretation.
I'm an impatient person, so if I knew any of these people, I'd be annoyed the way I always am when someone reminds me of myself. I'd want to tell them "get over yourself and participate in the world." How stupid, to indulge yourself like that, waste away to the point of needing intervention.
I've somehow grouped Melvin among these people, even though I don't really think that's how he is. He seems like a normal enough person, but I saw just enough of parts of him—maybe it was his writing, too—that reminded me of this feeling of distance. So I thought of him and I thought of Holden and I thought of the dude in The Stranger and I thought of Shinji from NGE and I thought of Yozo from No Longer Human. And I guess I briefly thought of Isaac.
6. Oh, yeah, speaking of Isaac! I've been watching Cowboy Bepop while I crochet. I understand why the show is a classic. It's so, so well-done. Dialogue, world-building, pacing, etc. I don't feel like I even like it that much, but it's so good I might watch it again, lmao.
reminds me of Isaac again. He showed me an episode once a long time ago when I met up with him during winter break in freshman year. It was such an awkward hang-out... and I was so turned off by the memory that I avoided watching the show. Sometimes Spike will say things and I'll think to myself, "Isaac definitely liked that sentence..." lol. With a derogatory edge to my own thoughts. I'm a little mean sometimes.
7. Maria watched all of Gravity Falls and cried! I'm so happy.... I love that show. I think it's underappreciated by people in my age group. It makes me happy that they enjoyed it so so much. This is part of why I love Maria. I want to explain this further, but not right now, because my mom will yell at me soon if I don't start helping the Thanksgiving prep, lmao. It's just that I've had the urge to write for days but I haven't had time, surprisingly enough.
Okay, Happy thanksgiving! Happy holidays!!! I hope everyone is having a wonderful November!!!!!! :)
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