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the pursuit of happiness
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2021-11-25 07:12:28 (UTC)

Happy Gratitude Day

I’ve written about this in the past… and I’ll tell a snippet of it again here. When I was young I was told I was adopted. I was told I was originally Native American. I didn’t take that news harshly. I found great pride and kinship with my new found ancestors. I was absolutely proud of this new information. I was so proud I went to school and told my friends. I told my teacher. Then I was told I was NOT in fact Native American. I was told it was a joke… I was crushed. So, in a twisted way, I lost my family twice in the span of two weeks. It was a fucked up situation and my little immature brain could not process it well. It was the start of my depression that led to self harming that manifested in suicide attempts as well as living with risky behavior as part of my dna. I literally told people my whole life that I would not live to be 30. I told them that until I was 30, plus one day. That was a weird day for me. Certainly this lie was not the single spark that led to my wrist scars or my massive blackout alcohol consumption that led to my unprotected sexual encounters… I even joined the diving team because I thought it would be an easy way to die but no one would know it was actually suicide… but this lie told to me by my sister was was the start of me not feeling like I belonged. I remember saying something at the dinner table and my parents just smiling and going along with the whole ruse. Yeah… messed up.

Today we pull up our seats to our annual gorge fest more and more of us are remembering the atrocities our ancestors inflicted on the indigenous people who used to occupy this continent. There may not be anything we can do to bring back the millions that died in the pursuit of expansion and “civilizing”, but we can be grateful for their sacrifice. We can remember that the house, apartment, farm or condo we all now claim as our own, sits on land that was occupied with reverence by people we tend to forget. Please take a moment to be mentally pay homage to their losses because their losses were tragically huge.

On a happier note, I hope you all do have a fantastic day. Be well!

I took this days meaning to heart again. I sent Rebecca an email. I have consistently sent her short emails wishing her a happy this or that day… but this one was different.

My friend related maybe a month ago her own situation and compared it to my emailing Rebecca. Her long time girlfriend was toxic to her. They lived together for many years and as a result of the mental abuse she spiraled. She still has scars she is very conscientious of on her ribs from the cutting. After much anxiety and depression and self harm, she finally found the strength to move out, to be free of her situation. Every once in a while her ex contacts her, thus inviting her back into the subservient world where she mattered “less than” in her partners eyes and as after a while, her own too. I’m sure that picture is clear… anyway every time her ex contacts her it out a a flash of panic in her. It send her close to that precipice of self loathing.

My friend told me I needed to be careful. One of the last actually conversations we had, she told me that talking to me was hard. She’d told me that my feelings for her (yes, I told her I was falling for her) were reciprocated (in her own way- I can’t remember the exact words right now) but that she just couldn’t. It was hard on her and she needed to not have that our dynamic and my situation mentally burdening her.

So I took my friends words kinda harshly at first. I was like … no… really that’s not how it was… surely she… wait. It started to sink in. Sometimes I’m a little thick. Sometimes I don’t fully understand right away. Be sure though, I will continue to process hard things even though I may not want to know that truth or see that perspective.

I told Rebecca that this email I send just after midnight (my norm) was likely my last. 😢 I related the above story in a much more condensed version. In my head all along if I was concise I was less likely to be intrusive… yeah justification of the situation… I get it. I do. I told her I was grateful for her. I told her that in two occasions in my life she effortlessly flipped my life- and she did. One literally save my life, and one last year gave me hope where I’d absolutely lost it.

So, why am I crying right now… I am so grateful for so many damn things. The least of all are my ancestors that never were.


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