Darkcrow

Beatrice
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2021-11-24 19:36:30 (UTC)

Unsent Letter

I don't know how to start this entry or what to name it or whatever but....I'll just write it all out.

I just got home from going around town looking for plates, napkins, fucking cups, and silverware for Thanksgiving tomorrow. My ankle is starting to hurt a little bit more again.

Oh I guess I didn't talk about that on here yet. A week and a half ago, I sprained my ankle. I thought it would fine if I just stayed off of it. Wrong. I did the whole RICE thing just...no icing. I hate the cold. So I compressed it a lot and kept it elevated and stayed off it as much as I could when you're on a staycation. Anyway, I went back to work for one day and it hurt so bad the next day I couldn't walk. It was hard for me to go to the bathroom at night....well walk to the bathroom. Anyway, now I'm wearing a boot. It hurts a little less now. I can walk small distances but I'm trying not to since...it's doctor's orders. I'm just waiting on someone to call and tell me where to get my MRI done. Until then, there's no work going on.

Meanwhile, I have a possible interview for a medical assistant position. I was going to seek it out but.....with this ankle and all, I don't know when I would be able to start so -_o_- Not sure.

Other than that, I don't have too much going on.

I just came back from the store. Embarrassingly, I'll admit that I almost started crying in Big Lots. But hey, if I did I was going to blame it on the pain in my ankle. It didn't even hurt at the time. I was thinking about Thanksgiving and how it could have possibly been the first actual Thanksgiving for us. It would have been so nice.

I started thinking about him again....obviously. I found another picture in my phone. I don't know how I haven't deleted it. There was one of his dick that I very quickly deleted. But there was one of the video of us at Waffle House. He flashes a microexpression of his....idk...love face I guess. You know the eyes that are just softer around the person you love. Fuck it. Whatever. That face. I kept it this time. I don't know why.

I've been thinking a lot lately about writing him a letter and sending it to him. But then again, I have no idea what I would say....I guess I'll try. Now. Practice run.


Dear Blake,

Hey. How you been? I've been alright, I guess. I'm still working at the Papa John's I was transfered to last year. I haven't transfered to the one in Milton. Not sure if that's something I want to do yet. I heard it's a shit show there. Not that it's not a shit show at my store. I'd just rather hang out at my shit show. I've made good friends there and have a great boss. Oh! I also sprained my ankle. The doctor says I'll need a MRI. I go to the doctor on Monday to see what they say.

Um...since I'm not actually sending this to you, I hope everything with Aubrey is awful. But I also hope that everything is going great. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me. I hope everything at your job is going...better. I know it's probably not though considering how it's been since I've known you. Are you still not on talking terms with you mom? How's everything with the rest of your family? Are you going to celebrate Thanksgiving?

Sorry I know it's a lot of questions. I just really want to know how you are. I don't expect to hear from you. Not back anyways. I do want some of things back though. I know I left my family camera there and my air fryer that you don't even know how to use.

Is Katie ok? Has she had her treatment yet? I know she's a good dog. Do you have a cat? I know your girlfriend once upon a time. Nugget is really good. She's gotten really big. She's about as big as the other dogs in my parent's yard now. I really don't think she's done growing either. I freaked out when I saw her teeth fall out! I thought she was sick or I did something wrong. I was screaming! Haha.

And since...I'm still not sending this....I miss you. Like a lot. I really screwed things up. I think. I still don't know what happened. I'm still pretty fuzzy on the events that led up to the break up. I think you said I hit you. And....if I did I'm sorry.

Everything in my life is going relatively smoothly. Not a lot of big bills. This sprained ankle has kind of set me back though on the moving on part. Um...anyway....I hope to hear from you. And if you need to some my stuff to me, my address is on the the front of this envelope.

And...not trying to be shady but I hope you're doing a lot better. You were really depressed before I left. It sounded like you bounced back a bit.

And again, since I'm not sending this. You kinda fucked me up Blake. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about the dozens of time you told me that you were going to love me forever and we were going to be together forever. I hate to say this because it makes me sound stupid but...I trusted that. The crazy thing is I didn't want to. But towards the end I really did. I saw some kids in the store and almost cried thinking about kids we could have had. Even though we both hate the idea of having kids of our own. I remember when we first got together you said you wanted kids. Now you can't stand the thought having kids either. Hahaha. It's crazy how the people change us.

You don't want kids. And me....well...I don't trust anyone to love me in a caring way ever again. You were such a great guy. I really could feel and just tell that you loved with everything that you had.And...how can I trust anyone after that? I mean...in my mind, our relationship crumbled in a few hours. But I guess it's more like a few days. I still blame myself for ruining it. But I know it's not entirely my fault. But I'm not writing you to play the blame game.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry for how things ended. I still love you. I still miss you. You left me with trust issues. I know I could never be with you again. I know eventually, I'll love again but...I don't see that for me. I refuse to love again without being able to trust my next partner. I mean, my first two partners that genuinely loved me, wanted to be with other people. Like...that's fucked up. And...I'm going to say it. I hated that you were polyamorous. And...I don't think you were poly now. I actually have evidence that you're not. So...before you break more hearts get your fucking shit together first. That's what I'm doing you 21 year old piece of shit.

As you can tell, I have a lot of emotions toward you....mostly two. Love and hurt.

Please do what's best for you. Ok? Get off your ass and get your GED. Get out of that dead end job. And for god's sake go to college. You're one of the smartest people I know. I guarantee that you can scholarships with your smart ass. You got this life shit. Just do better and you'll be better. Better said than done. I know but...stop being scared and go for it.

I love you.

Erin, the Ex


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