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I am realizing my seasonal ..
I am realizing my seasonal affective disorder is in full swing. The weather is cold and everything is gray. It does not matter how much caffeine or energy drinks I consume, I am still tired and reclusive. I know there are things I can do though to kind of stem the winter blues (e.g. like not stay up until 3am). I think I am going to break out my vitamin B complex and keep it on my desk as a reminder to take it.
/Midnight City by M83/
Mom and I talked last night about my grandmother, uncle, his children, etc. It is so chaotic on that side of the family. So toxic. I told Mom I firmly believe that they all make the choice daily to be upset and to have a problem to be upset about. Because it is *always* something with them. Nothing is ever good in their life and an issue always exists. I've never heard any of them say "oh, I have had a great day!" When they can't find a problem, they fabricate one and run around like the world is ending. My cousin broke his phone the day my grandfather died and guess what he cried about.... his phone! And on the other side of the room, my uncle was asking for money for his motorcycle tire. I remember thinking 'what is the matter with you?!'. If you ask them every day how they are doing, they will always have a boo hoo pity party story. Always. I know I sound mean but it gets old after awhile, you know? Like...Jeez, can't you find SOMETHING to be thankful for? And when you stop asking them how they're doing, they get mad about that too. Gaslighting at its finest. I know this type of behavior probably has roots in their own trauma but the issue is that they never choose to do better or ever learn from mistakes, and then that's where I kind of lose patience. I think my grandmother's baseline has always been chaos so there is a certain level of comfort she finds in living in turmoil, if that makes any sense. It's familiar to her. I have barely spoken to her all year and I do not feel bad about it either. I wish she had made different choices in life or tried to make the best out of whatever she was going through. We all make choices though.
/Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode/
I finished Moscow, December 25, 1991 by Conor O'Cleary earlier, so at least I can say I did *something* on my week off. I have been trying to find time to read a chapter here and there for months. It is a real interesting book about the final days of the Soviet Union.
Yesterday, I received my formal acceptance letter to another college for my Russian program. It felt good to get accepted but I also know I need to take it easy for awhile. In my law studies, I believe we are in the final stretch. I think my final for my ethics class is two weeks from now and my other law class is Friday. I wish I could dedicate 100% of my time studying Russian culture and linguistics. I watched Gone With The Wind (1939). I am ashamed to say I have not watched so many American classics. I have yet to see the Wizard of Oz or It's A Wonderful Life. Anyways, I had to split it up into watching it over the course of two days because I can not stay still for nearly four hours. It was a really good movie and I am looking into exploring the Golden Age and the Silent Age of film. I think the Silent Age will be particularly facinating.
/Space Age Love Song by A Flock of Seagulls/
We've got all we need for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I even bought an extra pie that has since been devoured. I was going to go out today to OfficeMax and get my .pdf workbook printed and spiral bound for one of my many Russian programs. I am afraid I am all over the place with my studying. I decided against having it printed and spiral bound though because I could use that money for something else and because I already have so many textbooks that I need to work through. For lunch, I made pelmeni (a meat dumpling, Siberian style -- YUM!) earlier and I boiled some perroguis for Mom.
I found an app to download that I think will be of great use! It is this app that keeps you off your phone by showing a tiny seed growing into a plant and if you unlock your phone, the plant dies. So it is a great way to not be clicking back and forth mindlessly through apps, which I unfortunately tend do from time to time. That is a habit I would like to leave in 2021. We'll see.
/I Ran (So Far Away) by A Flock of Seagulls/
I have so many blessings and this year has been so much more plentiful than years past. I know every year I try to come up with the things I am most thankful for but this year has seen so many blessings that it is really hard to narrow it all down. There has been a lot of good this year. Everything I was working for over the past several years came to fruition this year. It really is an unexplainable feeling. I'm glad I never gave up. I'm thankful for my Mom and brothers, my small but invaluable group of friends, my health, my education, my dogs (of course!), my home, and a million other things I can't remember right now.
Mom told me earlier that she has not seen me this happy and content in years. I have my spark back and I can't wait to see what blessings await us all next year.
/Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac/
Happy (early) Thanksgiving.
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