Songbird System

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2021-11-23 11:35:20 (UTC)

Finding Purpose

...I hate being on my period. Dysphoria and period cramps activate!

Anyway, I think I'm doing better? Probably because my mom has a job now and spends less time at home. Though I'm still being pressured to get a job and that's fucking hard. Nobody helps because "even a stupid person can do it." And then they wonder why Morgan thinks that her living is useless and making everybody miserable when they actively call her useless. The shock. These people can be so goddamn stupid I swear to God.

Though I've made up my mind to keep on fighting. Because I'm fucking stubborn and spiteful. Which isn't the healthiest thing in the world but whatever, I'm alive right now. My future therapist can scold me for my stupid decisions later. I will keep on fighting no matter what. I hate the current world so much so I don't want anybody else to be stuck in this Hellhole. It's in my Romani blood to fight after all. I rather die fighting than survive putting my head down. I still really don't want to die, because of obvious reasons, but I won't give up my fight. Even if I do die, maybe my death could inspire change. I don't want that to happen. I want to see the change I cause firsthand.

I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing but I literally have no idea what I'm doing like 99% of the time. I still want to be an activist, but that is still difficult with my grandparents controlling me once again. I need to find a way to get out of their grasp because my mom was fucking stupid. Is fucking stupid. And she wonders why some people don't have the highest impression of her. It's because you make decisions like knowingly accepting a deal involving blackmail and coercion with no second thoughts and drag your children with you.

Oh, and I need to start teaching Morgan some disability activism. Because we're both disabled. The world hates me for being born, but she's not used to this type of hate yet. She has to learn to fight. To accept who she is and know that she isn't the problem, it's the ableism society that we live in. A society people like my mom allow to exist because they don't get harmed by it and ignore the suffering of those not so lucky. A society my grandparents help create with their corruption and blood money.

I will destroy the world that these people have created. I just have to figure out how. And clearly not by myself. I will fight and I will survive. Stop blinding yourself to the suffering of the world and fight against it.

(I still can't fucking believe my mom legit still tells me the story about a cop almost raping her and then leaving her alone when she figured out she was friends with the chief of a sign that cops are good?????????? Mom, he almost fucking raped you. I'm pretty sure he went on to rape somebody else. Why the fuck didn't you report him to the chief of police? MOM THATS A BAD THING. RAPE IS BAD. But then again she was laughing pretty hard at all the rape jokes in Wedding Crashers so her thoughts on rape shouldn't be considered too much.)