Jenni's Diary
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2021-11-23 02:53:27 (UTC)

The Meeting

I had the meeting with my ex and my mediator.
I had never felt so disrespected in my life. I made sure to stay calm and try not to throw hands at my narcissistic ex.
He said I was making excuses for my behavior and that I was being immature and acting weird towards him. He was literally gaslighting me and putting the blame on me. I will take responsibility for my actions and what I said but I sure don't take no shit or utter disrespect from nobody especially my ex. When I brought up the charges, he said he wasn't the one that slashed my tires and wasn't trying to "harass me" or stalk me. He didn't understand as to why I had to mention his name for the car vandalism. I said that at first I thought it was a burglar or some shit and then when the officer asked if there was anyone else, I mentioned I just broke up with someone. I didn't want to give out his name but my dad made me and so I did. He wanted to know as to why I thought it would've been him that blew out my tire. I said it was because he had a knife collection and that usually people are mad after breakups and I thought he was mad.
He kept saying he was the bigger person just because he is older than me. He blatantly admitted he was going to come to my apartment and bang on my door and physically harm me and "give me a piece of his mind" and he said it so proudly too. The only reason he didn't do it was because he stopped by our RA. How you gonna sit there and say so calmly that you were gonna harm me. he kept accusing me of many things that I didn't do as well. He was also laughing almost the entire time as if this was a joke to him. He didn't let me speak, he kept going on and on and I am just sitting there looking at my mediator and were looking at me thinking "when is this dude gonna stop talking?" It was so mentally exhausting going back and forth. I never felt so humiliated in my life. My ex kept calling me crazy and that I was being immature. I know I can be immature sometimes, I admit that. He didn't understand that trauma is something you don't just get over. He told me his trauma and I told that I really sorry he had to go through that but people deal with it in different ways. My ex is a very direct person. He was mad that I didn't tell him my whole reaction on that Thursday when we had that conversation about intentions and I wasn't direct with it. I am the type of person to think things over so I can go through my thought process and collect my thoughts and words. He didn't like that. He literally could not understand that I deal with things differently. He asked me why I was acting weird and stand offish and I said because I built a wall. I have major trust issues and I build a wall to keep me safe. My mediator made it clear that we were obviously not meant for each other and we were not compatible for each other. Me and my ex both agreed on that. My ex was also coming at me for communication skills. I know I don't have good communication skills but I am working on it. I don't open up as easily as him. My mediator had to make it clear for him that I communicate differently than him and that people have their own way of communicating to others. He kept trying to verbally attack me. Remember when he came up to my building to ask for his containers back and he ended talking to Jesus about us while I was getting the containers. Well, I also found out that he met up with Jesus (the boy I have been in love with for years) for drinks that weekend after the Monday we broke up and now they're friends. I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life. I have been stabbed in the back. That whole time I have been trying to call him and text him and he wouldn't respond to me, all to found out that he was sipping drinks talking about me to my ex.
After the meeting, I went to my car. I drove to a empty parking lot and just sat there. I felt so numb and wanted to cry and scream so bad. I asked my friend to come to the parking lot to sit with me because I needed a crying buddy. We sat in my car and I just bawled my eyes out. I told myself I don't want to deal with people and relationships ever again because all they do is stab you in the back and make you seem like the bad guy.
Maybe I was the bad guy. Maybe being in relationships is not for me.
I am glad it was over. I kept my calm until the meeting was over and I am really grateful for Rob (my mediator) for mediating the meeting.
I am so fucking ready to move on with my god damn life.
I don't trust men at the moment. I don't trust nobody.
I know I'll be happy one day, just not today.
I received this quote from a tarot reading I got and it was a John Green quote and it said:
"It is so hard to leave -- until you leave. And it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world"

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