Darkcrow

Beatrice
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Ezoic
2021-11-18 22:18:39 (UTC)

I know ____

Of course, I find myself thinking about him. I keep talking about him like he's some friend that I haven't seen in a while. What the fuck Erin? But I did the same thing with Keith. But...he really was a friend that I had not seen in a while back then.

I've been doing another research session. And the more I do, the more I find myself not knowing...anything. I don't know where I want to live. Except Florida. A bitch doesn't do snow. The bitch also hates the fucking cold. I don't know what kind of career I want to have.

Let's say some things that I do know:
1. I know I want to keep Nugget.
* I made a commitment to her the day I got her. And while I would much rather have a cat, I love my dog. I spent about $60 on a new harness, collar, name tag, and deshedding brush.
Yeah, the bitch is here to stay. Fluff and attitude and everything she has to offer in between.
2. I know I feel uncertain.
3. I know I like my job
* I love my job. Truly, I do but the pay isn't enough to support me and Nugget.
4. I know I love audiobooks.
*It's one of the things that are keeping me sane these days.
5. I know I keep searching for answers in my dreams.
* My dreams lately are so vivid and strange. I keep having nightmares where FNAF characters are hunting me and I have to hide. I just looked up the meaning for hunt and found "to
dream that you are being hunted indicates that you are being overwhelmed by life's challenges. That checks out.
6. I know that I watch a lot of TV as a form of escapism.
7. I know that I'm still in love with Blake and I don't want to be.
8. I know I'm not doing good in the self-care department as a form of self-care.
* This sounds contradictory but I hate showering every day. It just feels like a fucking chore. It's tiring but I know I should do better.
9. I know I'm neglecting my health because I don't want to spend more money and I'm afraid of the answers.
10. I know I keep having dreams where I'm drunk, high or both and I don't know what it means.
11. I know I'm looking forward to three book releases.
12. I know I'm afraid of human connection as a result of a lot of betrayals in the past.

My therapist says that I'm looking for stability. I don't really know where I can start that might give me something...any sort of feeling of control.....I'm not looking for just stability. I'm looking for power too. I want be able to say what happens to me. And no...saying "life" happens isn't the same. I'm so tired of life just happening to me. AND FOR FUCK SAKE I'M ONLY 23. Nothing big has really happened to me....well...besides the 7 years of abuse. I guess that's pretty big.

13. I know I should acknowledge my abuse and move past it so I can build healthy relationships.

I also dropped out of college for a guy that didn't want me anymore. I find myself wondering what would have happened if that didn't work out. You know? If I wanted to stay I know I could have. I just didn't put in the effort like I should have.

14. I know that I feel like I put in every inch of effort I had into both relationships that ultimately failed.
15. I know I want answers about that night.
16. I know I'm not ready for a relationship but really want to jump into another one.

This may be a little off topic but I really wish I could just get away from everything. This is kinda why I took time off work but...I don't know. I just want my life to go smooth for once.

17. I know it's harder for me to make life plans because of my fear of uncertainty

So....let's go kinda old school and look as Maslow's hierarchy. Physiological needs are met.
Safety needs:
the security of body
employment ✓
resources ✓
morality of family ✓
health

Fuck it looks like I'm pretty much stuck on the second fucking level. Yeah I have employment but that's kind of it. I have a sense of property. I have my own space with my own things. Tbh, I'm not really sure what three of those mean. From what I've gathered security of body seems like your bodies abilities and limitations. And...with my foot fucked up...well not so much. I have decent resources. Morality of family is good. Health is iffy. Not sure if I have an ectopic pregnancy or how fucked up my foot is.

That sucks. Tiffany would say I'm surviving not thriving. I do know that love and belonging as well as esteems need a lot of fucking work.

So...where does that leave me? I feel like my mind if a lot more open now....but I'm still not sure where to go from here. I know I should seek a job that I like. But what? I keep doing those career aptitude test things and it recommends shit I have no interest in or things that I've already done and hated.

I was thinking about architecture or engineering. But I'm really bad at math.

18. I want a job that helps people and changes their lives for the better

I don't know. I'll go back to research.


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