Fake It Till You Make It
2021-11-16 22:48:56 (UTC)

So no one told you life was gonna be this way

i'm an adult, i have been for a while now, i'm certainly not as seasoned as some, and not as young as others i guess you would call this a good middle ground and by good....maybe i mean hellish. ha.
I don't know.... Being an adult and being "all grown up" isn't what it's cut out to be, that was the first lesson i learned when i became one, that it's nothing like we imagine it to be when we are young, thinking about what it would be like to be an adult.

When your a kid you kinda get the feeling that some adults even if they aren't your parents, maybe it's a teacher or a grandparent or anyone else that you look at and think they've got it together, they have this down, they understand the things i don't, nothing shakes them, nothing scares them they are in control, they know how to handle anything that's thrown at them....
and when you become an adult, you realize that it's not like that, you realize that all the people that looked like they were adept and capable were just like you, scared and lost and they sometimes didn't know what to do, or didn't understand and they were, they are in the same boat as you sometimes just floating along, sometimes floundering trying to patch up all the leaks before they sink.
We're all in this boat together right?

I'm not shocked anymore by the fact that i don't have any control over anything, that things scare me, that things feel so overwhelming that i can't even breathe sometimes, these moments, these times when situations come up where i don't know what to do and am just slapped in the face with... what do we want to call it? life? adulthood? reality? just falls down on top of you and your just like.... fuck come on man like what now? what am i supposed to do? who said it was okay to hold this? to carry this? to feel this way?
are you okay? am i okay? were we ever?
it's not shocking, that doesn't make the heaviness any easier to deal with.

I'm an adult....
But my Dad...is probably cheating on my mom( he's acting sketchy) for the second time....and the first almost destroyed our family, and even though it's still somewhat intact, it has never been the same since that happened.
She my mom has never been the same and all of us, her first because she is facing the highest level of betrayal, was dealing with having to forgive him, to love him, to try and make their marriage work (she is a better person than i could ever hope to be) because i'm still hurt and angry and i'm not even the one who was hurt the most by his actions
Sometimes... i question reality because that still seems so far removed from anything i ever imagined happening to our family....and the sick side is that so so so few people know and we've put on a happy face and tried to push forward and we were finding some semblance of normalcy and then he started acting sus again.... and my brother who didn't know it happened the first time was noticing the way our dad was acting, and now every adult who's around knows something is going on, including my mom because she asked me tonight if i thought he was acting weird, and i have been thinking it but not saying anything because i have no concrete proof and it's not my marriage to stir up things in, but when she asked me a direct question i gave her a direct answer and said that he was being weird yes, and that he's been really sus and defensive over his phone which is the first steps of what had happened last time, and now he's just been gone until really late for several several nights in a row and i just don't believe him, when he says his different excuses.
Blame it on the first time he lied to my mother, to us.
But i'm really upset over the whole thing and i don't know what to do.... i feel sick honestly.
cause if he is cheating....there's really no easy answer going forward, either we repeat history of my mother being broken hearted and being treated in ways she doesn't deserve, they fight and hurt each other and try again to stay together and it's hell, or they divorce and the whole family unit blows up and things again are left to never be the same.
No good answer, no good option.
I'm tired, i've worked all day, and worried all night.

send some prayers and good vibes your girls way, i could use them.
Stay safe, don't cheat on your life partners, make good choices.
Tomorrow....is a new day.