Ruby’s healing journey
2021-11-16 01:40:42 (UTC)

slow okay day

Would be a repetive day but I ended up cleaning my bedroom before t came over which I never do so part of it was done also I have new meds for my foot because I got a fungal infection on my toe I feel sad I think I have spent too much time on my phone today I did make my bracelet more that was fun I like seeing how it turns out the new hobby makes my day less sucky I feel like there’s something missing in my bedroom like it’s too vacant and needs more stuff then I plan on putting there I think it’s going to take 2 years to finish lately been struggling with the idea I might not meet my soulmate like not even a complete soulmate just someone that watches all my tv shows and fits my ideals I keep wondering if I know myself or not and that’s why do I really like what I like how can you tell is it about what make you happy when you watch it is happiness a intellectual thought or a feelling how do be happy to watch ghost movies unless you think there funny? What about depressing shows like titanic how do people like love those?
I am going to to ask my therapist eventually but anyone wants to give me a answer please do I feel so childish and I can’t concentrate I can do a littlr tidying up while tv shows in the background but so far that’s it and it’s not fast I keep feeling like I have fallen apart from my friends but it’s just I have friends there great friends but have very little in common with me
Worse is i signed up to do my job tommorow I just want to be over I’m stuck in the almost cross roads for so many things waiting to turn to a diffrent path I really love that Robert Frost poem
Two roads converged into a path and i too the path less traveled or something like that I am going to try asking my manger to do the cash register then head out in a year and look for a new job
I hate going to my job and feeling the time burn up secounds I can’t get back doing something I dislike

However I’m grateful of the positives that I have a job at all that I’m alive etc

However the gratitude leaves a lot of depression I’m also scared that all I can do is simple things like making memory wire bracelet and getting cs which it feel like because my whole life I have been struggling but I was struggling with other stuff too so I didn’t get as much practice time as I might of needed it’s so hard to do this consistently
I have been watching Roswell New Mexico all day I feel so frustrated
My anxiety has been less though
I wish I could go to a job where I would learn how to do things like a food service job I can make bracelets though and possibly sell them online for more money and quit my Job so I have to focus on that but still I have to wait if I want to try exploreing other jobs and waiting for income
Edit how do you even figure out what food you like how do you like spicy food if it’s only spicy why like savory food if has no sugar why like sugar if it’s not savory?