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2021-11-14 22:16:48 (UTC)

Wondering Target/Update

It didn't take me a long time to come up with the title like it usually does. It was like when I was younger and I would write these. The title would come straight to me. But that's another entry for another day.....Jesus I have a lot of shit to process. Good thing I'm in therapy.

Anyway, I guess I wanted to give another life update. I keep this diary as a type of autobiography anyways. Not that it is one. Just don't want to forget about where I am in my life and how I'm feeling during that time. I can't ever connect emotion with a memory unless they're crazy strong.

So let's go over the past few days. Let's start with Wednesday. I'm still having problems with self-care. By that day it had been 3 or 4 days without showering. I had also been to the gym two of those days. So there's that. I smelled pretty bad but I don't think my therapist could tell. We didn't talk about him. Instead we talked about how I'm trying to get back on my feet. She said it sounds like I'm trying to create a stable environment for myself. And....when she puts it that way, yeah I guess I am. But I know it's far more fucked up than that. It's my animal instincts telling me to secure anything that comes my way. It's my instincts that came from that heartbreak. I'm shutting down and shutting others out. I'm a grizzly without a fucking cave. I'm scared and I'm going to lash out if I sense any form of danger. It's really fucked up. And I know that's not a good way to look at myself either but...fuck it. I'll process that later. I went around town going into different shops and bars for 2 hours. No drinks, no purchases.

Thursday, was interesting. Julene called out of the blue. She usually does this because she has her own problems going on but that's not what happened. She called to check up on me. I told her that therapy was only surface level but it was amazing to get a lot of things off my chest. We talked a lot about a bunch of nothing. We caught each other up on each other's lives and what not. I told her I was looking at getting a custom home built for me and Nugget. Who knows. I went to Scott's apartment later on that night too. I met his roommate and girlfriend. They both seemed really awesome. He still has a cat that he rescued some years back and the same girlfriend. Oh they have a bird too. One of those small canary types. I'm really proud of him. Scott, I mean. Not the bird. He's still the same guy, just a bit softer because of his girlfriend. In a good way. I was really glad I got to see him again. He also asked me to be with him and his girlfriend again. It was an...interesting offer but I declined. I have no interest in seeing his penis. That would scare me for life.

Friday was uneventful. Just work.

Saturday was a fucking shit show though. Our fucking bosses sucked ass that day. For one, we only had 3 drivers for 8 hours. We didn't get prep done. Our systems ended up freezing because of the amount of orders we were getting. And I sprained my fucking ankle because I walked into a fucking hole in the dark while I'm still walking werid. I called into work today because of it. I don't even think I made that much money.

The reason I titled this wondering target is because I know what I want in life right now. Yet, it also keeps changing. I want stability. I want my own home. But how should I go about it? Normal morgage? Rent to own? Should I get it custom built and rent a small lot? Mobile home or architect? Should I go back to school? Sociology or something I can really use? Which school? How many bridges have I burned down to get there? Should I continue my weight loss journey now or later?

And the most important one yet: Am I pregnant? Yeah, yeah, I should have gotten my period by now. I went to the hospital and they said the tests are negative. But they didn't test my blood, there's a lot of acitivity going on in my reproductive system that has never happened while I was on depo before. My stomach keeps having small pains here and there. My stomach keeps swelling and I'm still having symptoms such as: dizziness, nausea, fatigue, bloating, mood swings, frequent urination, some constipation and I think breast swelling. I also just checked to see if my lactation has increased (I've lactated since I was a teen) and ehh maybe a little. I also started having dreams again pretty strong, vivid ones.

The last one I remember clearly was strange. I was helping perform EKGs on patients but instead of electrodes, we were using IVs. And we only used two instead of the standard 10. I remember correcting someone and I moved the IV/electrode and then it was fine...but then the patient started vomiting blood and they died. It happened 3 times in the same dream. I can't remember their faces but...woof....it was rough.

But that's besides the point, I've been having quite a few symptoms but no...positives I guess. I'm hoping that going off the depo shot will give me answers within the next month or so. If I don't have a menstrual cycle by the end of the year, I'll really have to seek answers...quickly. By the end of the year, I'll be 20 weeks pregnant. If I am.

Everything in my life is uncertain. It sucks. I'm tired and confused. But the only thing I can do, is move on.

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