littleangel

kool tears and dreamz
2021-11-14 20:26:00 (UTC)

Monster

Hey! It's been a while.
I'm so tired of my life... I've been procastrinating and feeling really down.
I'm feel so guilty for not enganging with my family and friends. I don't want to do my homework, my school projects or study for exams.
I pass most of my weekends reading A LOT.
I lose myself in my head... for hours. Sometimes it's so intese that I can't get out easily.
It feels like I live on the extreme. Like everything is too much.
I have responsabilities that I fail to complete. It's mostly about school. I hate it. I don't even know why I'm there and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't enroll.
There's classes that I hate... my life changed in so little time... I can't explain.
What is there to do?
I live in my imaginary world most of the time. I live in a world that I love and sometimes hurts too.
I idealize myself and I get upset when I realize that I'm not like that.

I feel like an hypocrite. I give people advice but I don't follow any of it.
I lie...and I hate to lie.
I'm a compulsive liar. Why? Because I can't face the consequences of my actions. I'm a coward...

Sometimes I dream that when I get someone, like a partner, he will beat the shit out of me everyday. He pities me...and he loves hurting me. I guess I will not complain. He will be sadistic and will punish me for being a terrible person.
He will use me... He will handle me like ragdoll... He will beat me to a pulp.
And then he will use my body for his sick desires while I cry silently and watch like a good little compliant girl.

I don't want to hurt my friends. I don't want to hurt my family.
I don't want tu hurt anyone.
I always seem to dissapoint someone nonetheless.
I dream about dying but I don't want to die.
I dream about many horrible things... some that really happened.

I'm a monster.




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