blkdragon

grounded
2021-11-11 03:03:59 (UTC)

There's more to life, than conflict

Not sure what's happening with my laptop, I begin writing and the thing seems to be having flashbacks, I typed 3 words and there was a brief flash and I found myself at the home page starting over again; I'm linking this occurrence to my emotional state. I made changes in the apartment today, modifying the curtains to keep the heat in and the cold out, Roommate was amazed and pleased, all of that would change as the evening progressed, his computer would come on when the desk is bumped; this bothered me because I don't want to pay for energy that isn't necessary. I don't leave my laptop on when I'm not using it, when I finish what I'm doing, I turn it off; not sure if power is still coursing when it's not engaged and I don't want the utility bill getting unnecessarily high. Roomie's laptop powered on when his chair bumped his desk, I mentioned it and told him that he needs to (actually) turn the machine off when he's finished with it, I'm going to want to run a test to see if hibernation mode generates a cost. One week we actually power off after use, the week after, allow hibernation mode (if that is what is happening) and decipher the totals when off and on.
I don't know what movies or television shows he watches, but when he's disturbed he starts to gesticulate as though his form is in transition, finger modulation and facial caricatures are employed to suggest upset/anger/frustration and this in turn begins to disturb me; I believe he knows that as long as he doesn't get physical, he should be safe!
Should he lose himself and strike out at me, I plan to discombobulate him, it should do more than confuse; it will cause him pain and he will need time to heal. It kills me when people believe that just because they happen to be bigger than you, it should determine how much of an advantage they have over you, that in and of itself turns the tide in your favor; especially if you bring the fight to them and when you know that they've seldom or never (truly) been involved in physical conflict.
Striking muscle clusters, incapacitating joints, cancelling the air intake and consistently upsetting their balance. While your opponent is hoping for that one punch or kick that will render you useless, you have envisioned possibilities to overwhelm and disable quickly.
Now, if you scare easily, you can never convince an opponent that they can't win against you. My thoughts always go back to "Michael Ratliffe", I called him out and we began fighting, he was bigger than I by much and began getting the upper hand. He began body-slamming me on a sloped lawn, the last thing I remembered was passing out, when I regained consciousness; I was standing over him! I will never forget that fight, it scared the hell out of me, what if I came to and found that I'd killed him and ever since that day; I do my best not to fight anyone, if I can help it! I don't even remember feeling any pain.
Conflict comes in many fashions, disagreements with companions, loved ones; random characters in your day to day; navigating that sea could drown a person. If your emotional equilibrium is sturdy, you have a chance to shrug these instances off, my ex has commented on our trip to Saudi Arabia; my Brother invited me to go and I asked if my then wife could go as well. He told me that he had to check the money and returned to tell me yes, my ex has suggested I didn't want to do without her for the ten days I'd be gone, we'd just gotten married; why would I not wish to spend this once in a lifetime experience with her and my Family? I remember how happy she was, talking with the women, during the flight and touching down in Saudie; she can say whatever she likes about this once in a lifetime gift. If she doesn't remember anything else that happened between us, she will never forget that, I certainly won't; she will never forget the blessings she received being my Wife. She has been trying to send me videos she shot of me skating, I told her that I don't need them, if she doesn't wish to be reminded she can trash them; I know that she spends a lot of time driving on the street I live on when she can take a faster route that doesn't bring her past my door.
As if she isn't hoping to catch a glimpse of me, she isn't worth my Family and apparently she was not meant to be much of a Family to me or the other 4 or 5 Husbands she's had. I must say that I was "Jonesing" for her not that long ago, remembering loving her and how much I enjoyed pleasing her, I must keep her "only" as a memory and open a different door to my future; in Miami.




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