👁️ Hot Chilli Lippy 👁️

Through the Looking-Glass
2021-11-10 22:43:05 (UTC)

Sweet Sixteen *rolls eyes*

I will be spending Christmas alone this year.
My daughter will be with me for the morning and then she is off to her dad's. Her birthday is on Boxing day, she will be sweet sixteen....however, she is not so sweet right now.
Her dear ole, mama gets all the shitty sides of her because in her mama's nest is where she feels most safe, most herself, and projects all her teenage hormonal rages and concerns.
Dad gets all the nice sides of her, the smiles, the laughter, the easy-going and understandable sides of her.
Sometimes I want to punch him in the face, I envision in my mind's eye as he stands at the front gates of my kingdom, I worked so flipping hard for, taunting how he never gets any shit from her. How fantastical he believes he is and to keep the peace, for my daughter's sake, I grin and bear it.
Just as I grin and bear 99% of being the breadwinner, and only true parent to our daughter. Although, my sacrifices are ones I taper to my chest like a medal on a soldier's suit, shields carried with pride in the rawness and beauty of being a mother, for the love of her, and of my need to do better than my mother did for me.
Yet, every fuck up she makes, I take a bullet to every medal from her father. It's always my fault. I am indifferent nowadays, I say, "Go fuck yourself" and he knows it.
Every serious word that needs to be spoken, doesn't always reach him, because it's pointless, just deal it with mama. It would only be ignored anyway. Because it's easy to be a floating name, "Dad" is a title only worthy of the dads that ARE fathers. In all its pain, sacrifice, unconditional love, swallowed anger, and bruised feelings of pride.
It's not only mama's that keep the fortress standing, it's single dads too, dads even that have wives and partners that are not floating mama's. I'm not sure what is harder, the single parent who has the other parent around who does nothing but be a fun time parent or the parent who lives with the other parent who contributes nothing but shit to them and their children's lives. Neither is healthy.
It's the way of the world, lazy fuckers who have children and then switch off, back out, if given half the chance or just do. Especially if one parent is responsible, loves their child through all the bullshit and suffering that comes with raising children. They suck you dry of every morsel of yourself, but love withstands doesn't it.....fucking love.
When they reach teenage years, you hold onto the tiny fraying left of that once strong rope that bonded you, hoping that they make it through this evil world that beckons for them to fail, be tied, and be indebted for the rest of their lives. And yet, we as parents cannot change this, no matter how well we raise them with life skills, as their first teacher in life. Society makes sure the entrapment starts in the schooling years. Is it no wonder they do not teach about finances? About surviving emotionally? About basic necessities of living alone in their first home? We as their first teacher's must show them this road, and we must show them the truth that rainbows and fairytales don't exist in this world. It is sitting and just waiting to shit on top of their heads weighing them down as they step out to chaos.

No, I am not depressed. Realism. I am reflecting. Somewhere I don't like to go but the harsh realities must be acknowledged in the wider picture to keep one, grounded, humble, and moving forward, regardless. We can't go back, can we? Only forward.

Anyhoo, I visited one of my branches today, it was nice seeing them happy to see me, their warmth and enthusiasm to help me. One of my colleagues told me, "T***, I love you" hahaha, of course, he was didn't mean it in that sense, but we have been colleagues for seven years. He and I worked in the company before this one, and I got him a job in the company we are in now when I started with them five years ago. All my branches have lovely people working in them, it is them and my clients I manage that keep me there. They're enjoyable to work with, the company does look after us too and of course, my role isn't micromanaged by my pervy boss, never has been because I manage people myself. Four branches and 140 clients. Soon, however, I will likely be managing the southeast sales force, as I have been offered my boss's job. One of my branch managers today said I would be mad not to accept it, and I responded, "but would I?" Do I really want to pander to ticking boxes, creating ridiculous tasks for my workforce just to make the numbers, show face, its all bullshit. It really is....I shall see, it's not much more money than I am earning already, although very good, but do I want to give up my soul? My sense of wellbeing? My quiet life? For that crap...I value my environment as it is now, I created it that way. It's me.

So I was telling the guys n girls in-branch today, after being asked what I am doing for Christmas, that I will be spending it alone. They got sad, lol, I said don't be, I won't be cooking traditional Christmas dinner, instead, I will order a Chinese in, enjoy some rum and whiskey, shit tv, good tunes, and PlayStation action and lay-ins....(until my daughter returns the day after Boxing day.) Two of my colleagues said that sounds like a perfect Christmas, lol, asked to join me. There are so many people in England that dislike Christmas nowadays. I should really sort a birthday treat for my daughter as it's her sixteenth birthday, I was thinking of taking her to the theatre or a show or something, she would like, but you know, the wankery attitude she has now made it so difficult to want to do these for her, again its a matter of biting your tongue and emotional waves and rising above it, as mama.

I am not going to see my parents either, dad mentioned it the other day on the phone, saying he misses me, my mother couldn't give a shit. I told him, I can't the cat has anxiety and I won't be able to leave her for a few days (normally stay with them a few days...too long around my mother if you ask me) I won't bother with my brother either, because he blanked us out on my birthday after we made a lot of effort for his two days prior, and also for the regular yearly fireworks we usually go to together. he got his kitchens on the cheap though via me for two of his tradey mates. So, I decided to let him know, the second kitchen is done, delivery is middle of this month and I am not earning anything from it. He told me he will get me money for it, on the side, aside from his friend buying it from my company. I know his friends well though, this one is a plumber he fitted a new boiler for me in my old house. So, yeah I'll go see him the day before Christmas but I am not staying long, can't be dealing with his partner of twenty years who is an angel when sober but as soon as she has a drink is foul-mouthed, angry primate spurting all sorts of abuse at my brother. To avoid me smashing her face into a pulp, it's best I don't stick around. I don't want to lose my brother.

The Irish navy guy originally from Brazil has a face of mesmerizing beauty, he is stocky like a lumberjack, thick neck, dark hair, short beard, beautiful man. Non, religious, values family and togetherness over material achievements. He has been stationed with the Navy for the last ten years, since his parents died in Brazil, no children, three dogs, lives on base. His contract with the Navy ends in January and he wants to settle down and start his own business, "I can relocate to anywhere" he said, 'I want to settle down and marry".

To be frank, I am indifferent again. I've experienced far too much shitty behavior from men to have much enthusiasm anymore. Yes, it would be nice to marry again, but it's not a priority to me, neither is a relationship, I just can't be arsed with all the flaky indecisions and expectations of men anymore.




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