chae

from my heart
2021-11-09 02:01:10 (UTC)

trying to be more selfless

2:39 am

im in a really chatty mood tonight. i think this is my first time talking about marc on here. our label that we have for each other is "friends that care a lot about each other and do stuff sometimes"

i dont think marc and i will know each other forever too.. but i can say that he is pretty special to me. i think if we were actually dating, he would be the second actual boyfriend i had ever had.. something that felt real to me. because i feel extremely comfortable with him and i can easily be myself around him..

marc and i both love playing league of legends so we play that game a lot together. he is very patient. he is good at listening to me. ive shared with him a lot of my hurt i think.. and i felt very thankful to him afterwards because he helped me to just feel like i was being heard.

with my first serious relationship, i was very sad and depressed for a long long time after the break up.. it was a painful experience but now it's almost one year since the whole breakup and i feel more gratitude and thankfulness for what i had gone through.. i believe that the breakup had helped me to understand my mom better when she was going through her soon after mine.

i recognize very often that there are a lot of flaws in me. after the break up, i learned a lot about who i am and all of my imperfections. it was hard to not hate myself then because i was disgusted with who i was as a whole. i had lots of regrets about how i was as a girlfriend and just a human in general but i learned that doing nothing but hate would never truly get me anywhere and instead make me stay exactly as i am.

i tried very hard to focus on my mental health. i focused on my job to keep me away from negative thoughts and also started to become extremely interested in manifestation. at that time, i think i just hated my life so much that the idea of being in a completely different place in life was everything i wanted. so i used my imagination to drive me to work hard for my goals and dreams. i really focused on self love too.

i dont know what really happened but i felt that drive for a few months till i started to feel just not much of anything. i still just feel pretty much nothing but i guess its better than feeling sad.

anyways, this had been hard to admit but i know that i can be pretty selfish. it was hard to admit it because i didnt want to feel ashamed but i do think that admitting and accepting your problems is the first step to being able to work on them.

theres a lot of reasons i can be selfish but i think the main reason that i am is because i only think about my own happiness. and i do care about other people being happy,, i just feel that maybe i only had enough space for my desires only. like i want the people i love to be happy but i rarely ever think about what makes them happy. im learning to recognize that everyone in this world will forever be different and unique in their own ways, so my happiness wont always be their happiness.

i want to put effort into learning and having more interest in other people besides me. to be more open minded and caring for others. to be a better listener not for the sake of having something to say in response but rather to truly understand and empathize with others as well as making them feel heard and loved.

i feel like i always knew how to take from others but maybe now i can try and practice giving to others.

so marc wanted to watch a new show called "arcane" today. he really wanted to watch it for a while and i honestly felt reluctant inside to watch it because i just wanted to do something else. but i tried to put in effort and recognize that sometimes i should sacrifice my wants for others. and im really glad i did because arcane was really fun and i had fun watching the show with him.

im happy to know marc and have him in my life. i hope that he feels loved when he is in my presence because i feel loved when im in his!


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