Fake It Till You Make It
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2021-11-06 22:53:00 (UTC)


I'm tired and cold and sad.
Like i'm not feeling it tonight, i'm not doing that great today.
We ride waves up and down, or maybe that was elevators and escalators.
I don't know, i just reached my limit today on pretending that i'm okay, got told to be a happy family member or pack my things and leave....
which was a lot, partly because it's just been a long day and i'm tired and emotional, but also i have seasonal depression and i have actual things to be sad about, and things i'm worried about and my mental health isn't at it's best as of late and you just don't say that to people who are struggling, in life, in their own minds.
but it's whatever, i guess i have to try to remember that the person who said that to me, is also dealing with their own things and their own mind and stresses.

I Deep cleaned the whole lower level of the house, cooked lunch and dinner, kept the 3-5 children, also helped take care of my brother and did things for his birthday today including decorating, making his birthday cake and dinner.
helped clean up after and got the kids to bed, then took a drive with B, we sat at the park for like an hour, while she smoked and we both vented.
I spent most of my time reassuring her and making sure she was okay( she's struggling too) but i'm sitting there feeling and dealing with a lot of the same things she's describing while just trying to give her an out, give her what she needs even thought i'm feeling empty and tired and lost and just....so done. but not saying that really.
trying to stay positive and tell here how things are about to get better and how everything is going to be okay while all i feel like doing myself is crying and breaking down, but still saying the positive things.... i hope they are coming.
i need them to.
(it's not all bad i'm not trying to be dramatic) i know i'm lucky and blessed and all that i'm not stupid.
Just kinda feeling a little bit of a pity party vibe.

I feel like i want to be anywhere but where i am, the first choice would be Australia, Zoe said she wishes i could just fly there, so that i could be with her while she gives birth because she's facing doing that alone and she shouldn't have to....i'd be scared, and it's not her first time but it's still a lot and she shouldn't have to be alone, and i'm honored that she'd want me there for something like that, and i want to be, but i don't have the money and i don't have the means.....and i feel so sorry and sad about that :(
like we've been friends for almost a decade and never actually met in person, lots of letters and emails and calls and video chats but never face to face and we've walked though so much life together, though relationships, then end of our childhoods into adulthood, into parenthood, into marriages, and divorces, though highs and lows and i think we will be friends for the rest of our lives even though we are literally on opposite ends of the world from each other.
i wish we didn't have that much of a distance separating us, but i also know that it's that we aren't from the same place is the whole reason we met, if we were in the same city we probably would have never met and that's a weird thing to think about.
but year i want to see her, i want to be there for her, i miss her.

okay, so i'm going to end this entry with the things i'm thankful for because i'm feeling sad simple as that, and it's good to remind yourself of the good things around you when your feeling the opposite.

1. Music.
2. Technology that allows me to talk to someone thousands of miles away in real time.
3. Cooler weather.
4. Sleep.
5. Friends.
6. Family.
7. Second third and hundredth chances.
8. Poetry.
9. Books
10. Home.

Peace to you Beautiful people