Fake It Till You Make It
14 hour work day.
I'm tired to say the least, but that's okay.
I'm feeling a little bit better about life and my head space right now is clear, i'm afraid of saying that i feel alright and that my mental health right now is a little better for fear of jinxing myself and it going down hill as fast as a toddler can throw a fit over something......
But i think it's important To say when things are good, or better or improving just like it's okay to say when you just aren't okay.
Tonight is the end of the second day in November.... well as of 4 minutes ago it's the third, which i'm happy about.
I feel like i've become a person who in many ways has changed drastically from who i was when i was younger, like for instance i'm happy about the passage of time and dreading it less.
It's more of hope for good things coming rather than dreading what might be.
I'll flip flop depending on the day and the mood, but i'm committed to trying to find and hold onto the hope of it all.
3 Days until Josh's birthday 5 until Roberts, and 17 days till Chummy's birthday, 22 days until thanksgiving, and 52 till Christmas and 57 till we are in a new year( now that concept of the passage of time gives me some anxiety) but the smaller mile stones i can manage.
is it weird that i want months to pass but not years?
Josh being here and having to help take care of him i feel like has settled into a routine, which is good, i needed it to, in my own mind at least so i could cope with it, the kids are...the kids as usual but also acting up more because uncle josh is here and that's exciting for them.
It's not that it's not exciting for me, i mean he's my brother and i love him and i'd never not be there for him when he needs me, but it's interesting talking and reconnecting more and more seeing how differently we remember some things from our childhoods and other things very similarly.
I want to preface that i don't want to be one of those people that gets an answered prayer or blessing or something right in front of them and doesn't see it, i will say that i have prayed that there be a restoration of our broken family, and i feel like this is steps in that direction, i hate the circumstances in which it came about , josh getting hurt, but i'm not sorry for the opportunity to... have him so close, to celebrate his birthday with out family mostly together, it's rare to as adults have something like this...weird set up.
It's not all rainbows and unicorns.... But it's okay. I'm okay, right now we are okay. and i'm thankful for that.
What are you thankful for right now?
I've been awake for 17 hours running on like 4 hours of sleep.... I've taken my Melatonin....and i can feel that kicking in... my bed is calling me, it's super cold tonight and was all day today was in the 40s which was the first really cold day/night we've had this fall/Winter season and i was so happy about it, like besides the summer time my favorite season is fall, i love the grand finale of the leaves changing and the cold creeping into everything, the holiday season, winter clothes ect.
I'm super happy about the cooler weather, however it's Oklahoma and that is subject to change day by day and sometimes hour by hour (if you know Oklahoma you know) like day after tomorrow is supposed to be in the 70s which is lovely weather....haha not complaining about warm weather not complaining about cold....but i will say that i wish it would settle on something because the allergies have been horrible and the back and forth of that is hard to deal with....but again nothing out of the ordinary there.
I'm going to blow out the candle i'm burning( some apple pumpkin thing) And go to sleep.
tomorrow is a new day... may it be manageable.
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