Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2021-11-02 19:55:33 (UTC)

Aw no, molestation again?

Anyways...needless to say I drank too much.

But I'm a superhuman being and have never been hung over once in my life. No headache, not sick, nothing. Just tired because I stayed up late.

I didn't do anything stupid. Except....call Leo at least 9 times. I know. I fucked up so bad. I can't leave. It's too hard. I want to. I'm never gonna get away. Like, I'm fine when he leaves me. If he blocked me right now then I could totally be fine and literally not text him. It's just when I try to leave first I can't do it.

He knows that. It felt good to cry to him. When I'm drunk and I can just actually talk and say what I'm feeling. Same thing when I'm high. But any other time I refuse. My body shuts down and my mouth stops working.

It was just nice to be able to tell him everything and to cry. He's not helpful or comforting, but it makes me feel better.

I'm finally losing Garrett. I played video games with Leo so Garrett would see because he knows about Leo, so then Garrett saw and gets all quiet like he does when he's mad. Him and I are talking about it and purposefully turned it around to make myself the victim and made him make the choice to leave.

I can't help it. I'm the manipulative person.

I was drunk last night and I called this guy Daniel. I actually go to school with him at least. We talked for hours. He's super chill. Like we agreed on so much for some reason. I guess I get really flirty when I'm drunk because he was saying that I'm too drunk and we should talk about something else.

It feels good. To just be vulnerable and not have someone take advantage of me.

I feel so stressed out. Like, my body is buzzing again, ya know. So much energy and I'm gonna hurt myself. Or just get drunk again. I need to take a break, I know, I've been blackout drunk 3 nights in a row now. I need to give my body a break but everything is sucking.

For context, the whole thing with my Dad happened. Where he was like, "Haha, don't be jealous but Aunt Val is coming up and I'm gonna hang out with her." I'm not still upset, but that was it. Like, you're not ever going to treat me like that. Nobody is ever going to treat me like that.

But he called me while I was at school. And I just wanted to know the reasoning. Like why would you think that was okay. He claims he didn't know I felt jealous...when I literally stated that's how I was feeling in the beginning of all this and my mom also told him. He said it was a joke and he didn't know about how Leo acted. Regardless if you knew about Leo or not, who the fuck says that. Like if my little brother says he's hungry, I'm not going to be like, "Haha, I have food in my fridge." Who the fuck does that.

So, whatever. Leo blocked me. Whatever, I literally can't care anymore.

Everythning is falling apart. We have no insurance and no money and no food and everyone has to work and Timothy's tooth literally turned black like it's going to fall out and he still has the weird fevers and rashes and now we cant take him to the doctors. I have my drivers permit test on Friday but people have to work and no one can take me and everything is just so hard.

And I'm so useless too. The money I make at my job would literally not help at all but I'll try. I'm about to start selling my body again. I don't even care about the sex I just want to feel like, financially secure. Just once in my life.

Also, I've unlocked new memories. I was listening to Taylor Swift's first album and I remember when I was younger I had this pink CD player. Like, you put the CD in it and it had a headphone jack and you could carry it around. It was a little circle thing. I had her CD and I would always listen to it. Before I had a TV, I'd fall asleep listening to it. I probably went through so many batteries. The last song in the album is really loud and it would always jerk me awake but I needed sound to fall asleep. I need stimulation to do anything.

Like, literally, I was turning on my TV and I almost started playing music to have outside stimulation while I watched TV. Like, ADHD much.

Also, I saw a girl at school and I remember one time I was at friend's sleepover birthday party. Her dad worked at a lodge so it was there and they had a bounce house. We were going to sleep in the bounce house and I was laying next to that girl I saw. She put her knee in between my legs and pushed and asked if it felt good. She's a little bit older than me. I think that molestation? But I wonder what must have been going on in her life for her to do that to me. It's really sad.

But I get these random memories. Like flashbacks almost. I would've never remembered any of that if it wasn't triggered.

"Does that feel good?"

So, now, I have a lot of good reasons to drink so that's what I'm gonna do.




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