Nadia

wet blanket
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2021-11-02 20:34:50 (UTC)

It's my birthday, i'm ..

It's my birthday, i'm 24 today. I started this diary almost 10 years ago which is pretty insane. I love my dad, sister and Connor so much. They knew i really wanted to start streaming on a PC and they all coordinated their gifts to go towards a set up for me. It made me very emotional i am so incredibly luck and grateful to have them in my life.
There is just one consistently dark cloud besides my depression and anxiety. Mum.
After all this effort they've put into this present and making me happy she has to try ruin it. I'm trying not to let her, and I am happy about it. I'm just a bit disappointed in her. You'd think when you never expect anything good from someone anymore you'd no longer be capable of being disappointed but unfortunately i still am. She is my mother after all.
She is just so awful, generally, but especially to me. Let me have my one day out of 365 that's about me having a good time. Please.
For my 22nd birthday she showed up drunk to the dinner. It was really embarrassing. For this birthday? I booked a dinner at a restaurant and invited everyone. Just dinner for a few hours.
She says she's busy.
Busy? My mum? she doesn't have any friends or social life so this surprises me. She says she's going to the movies... by herself.
Honestly it's probably for the best she won't be there since she seems hellbent on ruining my birthday. Like you can easily go to a session on a different day or even just a different time. It's not like she'll be messing anyone around because she's going by herself. Obviously I am a little bitter about this but i'm trying to just move on. For her birthday i organised for everyone to go to a dinner and quiz night because she likes quiz nights. i got her a customised key ring with little photos of us on it. at her birthday dinner my brother made me so upset i went and cried in the bathroom, fixed my make up, slapped on a smile and came back to the table without saying a word as i didn't want to ruin her night. Yet she can't even simply let me exist and be happy for a millisecond on my birthday.
I will never understand her. She asked my sister what i wanted for my birthday and I said to Zoe that i genuinely just wanted mum to be nicer to me. Or just resent me less. I know that must be awfully difficult for her.
Instead she got me a t-shirt with some hilarious grammar nazi joke on it and a new board game. After we had a fight yesterday i just gave them back to her and said I didn't want them anymore.
I want people to make me feel loved and appreciated on my birthday. Everyone else managed to do that fine. I don't even care if people get me gifts i personally really just enjoy cards with a heartfelt message. Although I am still so grateful for the gifts.
The only time she ever speaks to me is to suggest some shitty job that i'd never be interested in, proving that she really doesn't know anything about me, and to have a go at me for being how i am.
I don't like being unemployed, broke, living with my parents, depressed, anxious and suicidal at times. I really don't. But she just resents me for these things relentlessly.
The day after I tried to kill myself she got me a wall decal that reads "Wake up and be awesome". I keep it up there out of irony.
She really has no understanding about anything to do with me, which i wouldn't mind if she just tried to understand a little or just wasn't so argumentative and resentful towards me.
One day I'll get out of here and i'll probably never see her again. She'll finally be entirely alone like she's always striving for. We'll see how happy she is then after hurting everyone and pushing them all away.


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