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2021-10-30 14:03:00 (UTC)

sicko mode

Why do I dread it so? Why am I so against working when it is the only way to get all of this out of my way? Is it that I do not dread the work itself but rather the act of working? Am I simply opposed to doing work that doesn't entertain me?
Or maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion. It's a Do or Don't decision. The obvious choice is Do and I would be working right now if I had chosen accordingly. I want to empty my mind, tunnel vision would be nice right about now. I need to take that shower and do that exercise and work on some stuff and go to sleep on time and that's the only things that would really be on my mental To Do list. Except I am here typing and that was not on the list. I think to things like androids from Detroit: Become Human, how they follow commands like it is second nature (first nature?) and get things done with a perfection only achievable by technology, no distractions or emotional desires/stuff inhibiting them from doing what they were tasked with. That kind of one track mind would be perfect for me now. With one goal in mind, everything else revolving around it as secondary objectives.
School --> Hygiene --> Sleep --> Thirst/Hunger --> breaks
With priorities in an order similar to what I've shown. Why am I tired after sleeping a full 8 hours? I could collapse right now if I let myself. Not very fair. Why exactly am I so opposed to maintaining a routine for myself? Why do I make myself suffer for no reason at all. I wish I could turn my brain off, go brain dead for a bit, stop thinking, stop wanting, stop feeling. Just do what I'm told and sleep on it. I'm so tired. Something militaristic, I had mentioned previously. Something monotonous. Something I acquiesce in doing. Something I do, just going with the flow, not against it. I'm gonna go.


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