Jenni's Diary
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2021-10-29 13:09:59 (UTC)

should i stay or should i go?

Me and AZ had a long "conversation" about us last night. It didn't go well in my opinion.
1) He wanted to talk about my friend and how she asked him to send her a post he posted on snapchat. He lied to her and said that he didn't have it and when he told me about it, he said he had it saved but didn't wanted to give it to her. I felt like he read her text the wrong way and that he is reading to much into it. I also didn't like how he assumed so much about my friend and I didn't like how he talked about her. Like he barely knows her and you assume all these awful things about her just because she asked about a post and a fucking exclamation point on her text. He was also upset that I didn't add him on snapchat like wtf dude. We're not in middle school. I add whoever I want to add. He saw that I saw his post and he was saying how I could've just added him on snapchat and asked why I didn't. The fact that he denied that he posted anything instead of being mature and asking why like he assumed before letting the other person explain themselves and took it to a unneeded level.

2) He also wanted to talk about intentions. He said that because we were texting a lot lately he felt like this is more like a friendship. He said that I haven't been putting much effort in the relationship. He said he tested me on day to see if I would text him anything at all and got upset when I didn't say anything that whole day and that he is receiving the bare minimum. Like who tf tests someone to see if they text back. I felt like I was getting scolded by my dad or something. He says he understands that I am busy and have a lot going on but I don't think he does. He is expecting me to change. I tried to tell him that that's kind of who I am and that I am used to long distance relationships where texting was the main thing we did in those relationships. He barely let me talk and kept talking and talking without stopping to listen to me. The whole time i was trying not to laugh because of how ridiculous he sounded. Whenever he did let me talk I didn't know what to say because I was so appalled by what he was saying and having me do. I felt he has this whole idea of what a relationship should be like and he is holding up to those standards but he has to understand that he can't do that and we didn't even get to compromise or literally have a actual conversation because the whole time I felt like I was being attacked and blamed at. I told him about how my past relationships were toxic and how they affected me and he kept saying "oh i am not like them I am much better and more mature than them." Like bro I have heard that many times and that is not always the case. I feel like he is trying to be that "I can fix you" dude but I don't need to be fixed and I don't want someone to fix me. I can "fix" myself. It wasn't even an actual conversation. It was mostly him trying to talk me down and how I should change myself for him to meet his "relationship standards." I think he wants to stay in the honeymoon phase and I think he has to accept that it can't always be like that. It is not always going to be easy all the time and it takes hard work. I understand that I do need to work on my communication. Whenever I try to tell him about my trauma, it feels like he is expecting it'll go away overnight. It wasn't even a fucking conversation.
I understand being paranoid because u can't help it sometimes but I feel like at his age he ought to know how to be mature about he reacts to situations and he was not at all. He has this fix mentality that is not going to help anything if he keeps being immature like that.
At this point I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with him or even at all because it is this toxic circle that keep happening in my relationships and to be honest, I don't think relationships are for me. I don't mind meeting people but I don't think it is for me. Maybe there might be something wrong with me.
fuck my life bro I literally hate it here.
Maybe we jumped into this relationship too soon. We only knew each other for two weeks and he just straight out asked me to be his girlfriend. We should've waited and had more time to just get to know each other.
When I think about how he reacted to this whole thing and what he said, it reminded me of my past self. How immature I was and I was trying to change someone to meet my standards. Now I know how it feels when its the receiving end of it and it sucks and its a horrible feeling. I know I have grown a lot and seeing and hearing how ridiculous I sounded back then is just childish to hear. AZ has a lot of growing up to do and I feel like he still in this prospective of having a youthful relationship and not an adult one.

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