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2021-10-26 23:31:04 (UTC)

Disowning πŸ’—

I’m quite angry right now, and I’m not doing anything about it as there isn’t anything I can do about the source of this issue. I’m festering.
They say anger stems from sadness, applying that to this situation: I’m quite sad at the loss of potential dopamine and serotonin I could’ve had if my brother hadn’t decided to come into this room and then not sleep with the tv just on for the next few hours.

I share a room with my little brother, a ten year old boy. The kind of boy that is annoying regularly, where his voice is either blaring and loud or just annoying to hear in general for me. The kind of kid that will play games on his phone with the tv on in the background. Let it be known that I’m the type to pay full attention to whichever one I’m doing, not that this even matters anymore. I’m currently wishing I had my own room so I could talk to internet strangers in peace. At this point, I’d say that the urge to do what I’m supposed to (rather than searching for any rare source of happiness when I can) only comes from the fact that if I do that, and just turn off whatever this is, then I won’t have to deal with the frustration and anger that comes from caring. Caring if something is ruined for you. I believe that I am not well enough adapted to this environment to quell this frustration or anger. And I almost, no, I sincerely do hope that this anger does not leave me. I hope I continue to be pissed at this situation and that it ruins my relationship with this sibling, because I sincerely couldn’t care less about it at this point.

I wouldn’t be losing much anyway. That sounds mean, but I know I wouldn’t get along well enough with him for that kind of sibling connection to be worth anything.