Fake It Till You Make It
2021-10-24 22:23:32 (UTC)


"Drive away, and try to keep smiling, Get a little rock and roll on the radio,
go toward all the life there is, with all that courage you can, and all the belief
you can muster,be true, be brave, stand. all the rest is darkness"
-Stephen King (IT)

I said a while back that i was so happy for the last few months of this year to finally be here, that the end of the year was finally here, the weather changes, the holidays the end of one thing and the start of another all that jazz, but i also said that i didn't know what these last three months were going to hold, that my looking forward to them, didn't mean that they were going to be good.
It's not all bad, by any means i will try to look for the good and hold on to it, as i said in my entry yesterday, but a lot of really hard things have happened since September, through October that will still be happening into the foreseeable future, like my Brothers slow recovery from his motorcycle accident, the fact that he's going to be coming here and will be needing a lot of help.
The kids that i have to take care of, Job things on top of that, and the fact that Mom and dad will still be gone a lot dealing with all the other things that they have to deal with, so less help.
Robert being in the hospital and dealing with the idea still that he's dying. my Brother is dying and there's nothing i can do about that.

I just have so much on my plate, i'm already stressed and tired and not sleeping well, and dealing with so much and a few things are being added to my list.... we will make it through just like we always do... i know it will be okay, i just feel really overwhelmed and to be perfectly honest i'm scared of how things hard things are going to be.
I'm dealing with my anxiety more lately too... which i always deal with but sometimes it's harder than others,
However i did talk with Cindy tonight about the Brock situation and was really nervous about it, but it ended up being a really good really productive conversation and i'm hoping that the situation is working it's way to being restored.
I can only hope and pray and do my best, and today i gave my best and it was received well, i feel like i listened and received constructive criticism well, while also being very strati forward and honest about my point of view and where i was coming from.
Communication even when it's hard is really the key to dealing with people, anyone all types of relationships.

Ended the evening with open communication with my mother, which felt like a miracle because that's been unheard of recently and also because we started this evening fighting, but somehow we came to a place of mutual understanding.
I'm hoping that can start some new ways for communication and dealing with each other...because we need it.
I love my family, both of my brothers, my sisters, my parents.
Family is so complicated... but that never changes.
doesn't make things easier, but never changes and i believe that it can cover many things.

Tomorrow is a new week, new day, and the beginning of a new phase, may it be one that goes as smoothly and as peacefully as possible and may we treat each other as well and with as much love and mercy as we can muster.

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