Tati

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2021-10-23 15:12:00 (UTC)

when will i be done

McDonalds is absolutely disgusting. I wish I wasn't such a cringe-bag. There are times I feel like killing someone and there are times I feel like killing myself, but most of the time it's a combination of both. My expression really wouldn't even matter because nobody cares bruh. I'm so done with food altogether. I really want to stop existing for a little bit, right about now. Every single thing I do, no matter how inconsequential, feels like a dumb mistake and I feel stupid today. Quite stupid.
I really feel mad, or maybe frustrated? That doesn't sound right. Distressed. Yes, I feel very distressed over my current situation and state of being. My actions are stupid, I look and sound and feel stupid, and I put myself in a stupid situation with my actions. And I find it hard to believe this is normal as my mom says since I have yet to meet someone who is realistically and evidently just as slow and dumb as me.

I need to be alone. I need quiet, alone, somber time to just adjust. Ugh, I hate eating. I feel nasty. I really wanna free fall rn. That would feel really nice. Or maybe just leave this body for a while. I'm an attention seeker, and someone who is constantly in search of social situations that they cannot handle because they have nothing else. I'm a lonely loner. I really hate and love having to talk to people. I really want to off myself rn because I'm embarrassed by my existence. I want to sleep but I have to work, evidence of how stupid I've been. I'd kill to just go back in time and start this mess over, I screwed myself over. Why why why. I'm complaining. I'm always complaining. Complaining about myself, complaining about my family, about my friend, about myself, about school, and now I complain about complaining, I feel disgusting, complaining about self-disgust. There's always something. I don't even want to say anymore because I feel bad about typing it, I feel.

I want to feel nothing. I want to feel no desires. No hatred. No annoyance. No sadness. No disgust. No hunger. No shame. No awkwardness. No loneliness. I wouldn't mind the lack of happiness. Not when what immediately follows is a reality check called life and school. I want to be neutral. Constantly.
For there to be no upset. Simply neutral and there and fine and never not fine and never having to bash myself or feel like it I just want to emotionally die for a few years.


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