Songbird System

Raven
2021-10-22 08:15:59 (UTC)

And this is why I don't open up to my family

So my mom had another of those one and one talks with me that makes me super uncomfortable where she forces me to talk to her about things even though I clearly don't want to. And then I decided for once maybe I should tell her something. Maybe my possible Borderline Personality Disorder is making me spilt and hate her, I thought. Maybe it's not that bad. Why do I always do this to myself? Why can't I just believe my own goddamn experiences for one moment? Well, it's probably because I've been gaslit my entire life. That'll make you constantly doubt yourself alright.

I decided to tell her I had a horrible time at my job. And then she yelled at me. Yelled at me for appearing to be happy after work. So of course, I took my statement back because I didn't want her to scream at me anymore. If this amount of "betrayal" is enough to make her mad, then I ain't ever telling her about being a system. I'm not fucking that suicidal. Because my mom is obsessed with anything outside of her small world view being hatred or lies. Mom, I'm a fucking people pleaser. It just hurts to be told you're a liar especially because people that truly know me have figured out that it's a trigger word. That's what being told you're a liar for years on end does to you. And then being forced to act happy so your family members don't die. Gee, wow.

If I had such a good time at work, one fucking Karen wouldn't be enough to break me. You fucking dumbass. Oh yes, mom, maybe you're the problem when your child literally goes mute telling you about these things out of the stress.

Turns out never having guidance and never being told what to do ever during your training and having everybody yell at you is a fucking traumatic experience. Especially since the coworker I was often paired with hated me. It's not my fucking fault that she constantly wasn't doing work and leaving me alone and sometimes our manager would find out. I was friendly with some people there. I hope they're doing okay. Yasmin, I will pray for your safety, thanks for always helping me out even though you weren't part of customer service.

Don't work at fucking Macy's. I can't step foot in one ever again because of the trauma. And please, treat customer service people with respect. Because we're people too.




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