Nadia

wet blanket
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2021-10-21 16:07:52 (UTC)

It's really a constant ..

It's really a constant struggle. I don't like me, I can't even begin to fathom how people do (or claim to) like me. I know life isn't meant to be this way. For some reason mine is.
Most of the time when I wake up I wish I hadn't. I love my close friends and family so much though. I promise I am trying to combat and confront the negative thoughts but it's hard and exhausting when it's constant. I would give anything to feel normal and be rid of this relentless anxiety and depression. I just feel like i'm the worst.
The feeling of pure helplessness when you're doing everything in your power to fix yourself and nothing is working is so scary. I take the pills I talk to the therapist. What else can I do. I'm not right. When you confide in a friend how you really feel and they have no advice, nothing to say that can help. That is scary. You're a freak. If no one can help you, what are you? absolutely helpless.
I'm always going to be the one struggling. And if i'm not at some point, I know something really terrible is going to happen that will undo all the work. I feel that way about my meds and therapy at the moment. It doesn't take much to throw me completely out of whack mentally. How do normal people cope with anything. Everything affects me and I hate it. I've cut myself off from almost everything and I still feel that way. How am i meant to function as a normal adult in society?
I'n doing that thing where I ask myself questions that make me feel worse. At least I'm aware of that. Not aware enough to stop doing it though.


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