Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-10-20 23:55:59 (UTC)

Space Cadet Lusts for Cool Points

Dr. Wood LXXXI

Phew. What a weekend and week it’s been. I’m sitting here, realizing I have to recap everything that I’ve done since my last entry where I complained about all of my upcoming anxieties. Fortunately, none of them really came to fruition. My flights went smoothly and without significant delay, my driver from the airport to the house was nice, nothing was messed up with my walk registration, and I got a free ride back to the airport. And everything during the walk went very well! It was a lot of fun spending time with family and doing the breast cancer walk. Doing that each year is like living a nearly completely life – in a good way. It’s a time for me to get out of the house, away from the computer, and actually socialize with people like a regular human being. It’s something I need every once in a while… though by no means does it imply that I don’t like my normal life. I love it, and I was so happy to be home when I got back. But I had a blast with my family this weekend, and I love that we do this every year.

I ended up having a few blisters – nothing major, and I think my biggest one is finally starting to heal up. The soreness has all but completely gone, and now my main focus is to play catchup with everything I’ve put on hold… which has been quite an ordeal to say the least. Well, it’s more so me making it out to be a bigger deal than it actually is. Par for the course. I haven’t done any posts for my postcard page, though I’m justifying my inaction by planning a project where I make videos of me trying the German snacks I recently received, as well as some Japanese snacks I also got from another friend, which are branded with Demon Slayer characters. I’m incredibly moved by the generosity of these two individuals, so I really owe it to them to do something special with the things they sent me. I also genuinely want to do said “something special”, although I know it’s gonna take a lot of effort and discipline to got through with it. I’ve also been trying to stay up-to-speed with Whatsapp messages, Facebook messages, dishes, reading Little Women, registering postcards, sending in my donations to my contact in Ghana for the school being built there… and I’ve done about 10% of that. Is it that I lack time? Not really. I mean, doing overtime is definitely draining my energy and time to a degree… but as soon as I finish work and have dinner, I’m on the Discord server playing Valorant with the others. I have zero discipline for tending to my responsibilities. Heck, it took a lot of energy just to write this post. I mentioned that if I didn’t post this past Monday, I would give myself 1-2 days of leeway before it can be confirmed that I didn’t survive the fake sources of my anxiety. I’m pretty much doing this post so that I can show I survived.

I really actually don’t wanna write anymore. Tonight, I mean – I definitely intend to write more at a later date. But I’m so overwhelmed with all the things I’ve been putting off. There’s other stuff I haven’t mentioned but I don’t really have the brain capacity to acknowledge them. This is definitely an instance where I’m complaining about having so much to do, and yet not taking an ounce of my free time to do them (if I can measure time in standard weight). I just don’t feel like doing any of it. I just wanna play Valorant with friends and watch anime. It’s like I’m making up for lost time after this past weekend. And the thing is, as very much into Valorant as I am, I’m realizing I’m getting some addictive ego boosts from it. Pulling off a cool play just makes my blood hot, in a (supposed) positive way. On the flip side, constantly dying sucks. I’ve been doing a lot better these days than before, but I still find myself on the lower end of the leaderboard more than the upper end. The friends that I play with continue to be extremely supportive and tell me that I’m way improved and do a great job. I think I can agree in some ways – even if my K/D isn’t so great, I think I do play an integral part of the team, especially since I’m more often than not the spike planter when we play offense. I just wish I was better in gunfights and had a more precise aim. Gosh, people would kill to have only the grotesquely petty problems that I have.

I don’t like living like I have so much crap to do, constantly. I thought cutting out certain aspects of my life that I didn’t quite care for would afford me more time to do the things I love. Really, it afforded me more time to play games with friends. Which I love. So am I doing what I want in life? Honestly, there’s a weird sense of fulfillment I get from it. I think the fact that it’s with friends and helps our cohesion as friends is a big part of that. If it was just me playing with randos online, it wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilling. It would just be me practicing my skills and trying not to let people’s remarks get me down. At the same time, I’m worried that I’m focusing too much on trying to impress them by attempting to be good at the games we’re playing. I do wanna be good so as to help the team… but I know a part of it is also me just wanting to look cool. I feel like that’s something I value to a dangerous degree. It’s why I get so frustrated when I consistently get outplayed. Happens in Splitgate and Skullgirls too. At work, even – when I get “outplayed” by errors that I make, even if it’s as frequent as 1 in 100. It’s like I wanna have a high opinion of myself at all times, and screwing up tanks it.

I was supposed to write about the breast cancer walk and I spent three paragraphs afterwards talking about my PC life. The fudge is wrong with me. I’m not even gonna put a question mark on the end of that sentence because a period conveys my tone way more accurately. The hedonic treadmill really does seem to get the best of me pretty often. I mean, in terms of being hungry for ego boosts – for as shallow as that is alone – I should already be swimming in a high self-image. I just got promoted to a risk underwriting position and completed my sixth breast cancer walk, for a total of 300 miles walked in the name of the survivors, fighters and fallen. And if we’re talking video games, I’ve improved massively in Valorant. I’ve never been this good at FPS games before, save for maybe Turok: Rage Wars for the N64. I have plenty of reasons to think highly of myself. And generally speaking, I do. But I continue to crave more. I feel like I’m discovering a very fundamental issue in the way I’m living. Or perhaps it’s just a simple need that I’m exploiting the wrong means to fulfill. I don’t really know. I’ve overstayed my welcome in this entry and should probably go to bed. But first – as usual – let’s watch some anime and eat ice cream. Yeehah.

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