A thing to talk to
Puppy, Brother and family.
One fine morning when I walked to the kitchen, a little ball of fur landed on my legs. Literally, a fluffy golden ball with something that appeared like a tail on one end.
It was the morning of 29th September. Just a normal monotonous day. The last thing I expected was a golden retriever in this house.
I wasn't exactly happy. No, distressed would be the better term.
I had told my mom numerous times that we CANNOT afford a puppy. It needs too much care and love, neither of these responsibilities my family is good at.
She bought this puppy for my brother. He told her he loves dogs.
But I think he just loves the idea of owning a dog. He never helped with anything regarding her.
I have to take care of this puppy.
Her name is Goldie.
I comb her hair everyday, feed her, clean up after her, take her out to play, train her, bath her weekly, and take all her biting and scratching. I booked her vaccinations and de worming appointment, I ran around for her certificates.
My mother thought a puppy just eats rice.
Sometimes, I just... I don't know why my mother has to be this wilfully ignorant.
The only problem is... I don't have money.
I can't borrow money from anyone. So I did the only thing I could at the moment —pawn loan on my gold to get the needed cash.
My family don't want to care about the costs and responsibilities. They thought a puppy is "cute" and will make my brother happy.
I don't know why they just have to disappoint me.
They spend money on my brother like water whereas I don't even have shoes to wear. The last time I owned a pair was 4years ago. It's torn and its sole is damaged but I still use the same pair after repairing it.
We are not dirt poor. Both my parents had job. But they just seem to hate spending money on me or lending me any. Because I'll be married off to "another home" they say.
Sometimes I feel sad, but...its not my money. So I don't think I have any right to blame them.
It's just, when I see them wasting, literally wasting money... I feel worthless.
They buy things they don't need. And sometimes they buy things just to show off.
My dad bought a motorbike, even though he cannot ride it. He won't even let others use it. It just stays at the garage as a show piece, rusting away.
My mom buys kitchen utensils she'll never use. She brought a microwave oven just to keep it in the corner. We never used it... We never had to. None of our food needs this oven to be made. We don't eat cake or cookies, or chicken. We make just enough fresh food that'll last a day. There's barely any leftover each day. (I'm glad at least we don't waste food)
My brother is just... The worst combination of my parents.
And my parents just love him.
He is 2 years older than me. He still gets pocket money, that is 300 rupees everyday and 500 on Sundays. So, every month my parents give him about 10,000 rupees just as pocket money to spend.
Whereas I have never received any pocket money in my entire life...even though I clean the house, do everyone's laundry every single day, wash the dishes morning and evening, buy groceries whenever they tell me to, keep track of cleaning utensils and food items, buy shampoo, soaps, floor cleaners, dish bars, hair oil. Manage the garden (mom helps me with this one at least)
My brother has never washed a plate in his life. I wash his plates. He Never washed his own clothes. I wash his clothes, even his dirty underwear. Never cleaned his own room. I clean it for him.
He Never helped lift anything—no matter how heavy. It's me who always lift the gas cylinder, heavy marble slabs, huge plant pots, heavy furniture...
He never did anything. It's almost as if he's not in this house and I have to do everything. But it's always him that my parents prefer.
He's their favourite child. For reason I don't know.
Maybe because he's the first born.
I literally feel like a servant.
No... Servants gets paid at least.
I feel like a slave.
Why am I lesser than him? Why are my parents not proud of me as well?
I understand why my father behaves the way he does. He never wanted me. He wanted one child and that too a son. But my mom had to be selfish and bring me into this hell.
I've never even eaten food with my father. Me and mom must stand and serve my bro and my dad the food first. Only after they are done eating me and mom are allowed to eat.
I don't understand my mother though. Why does she adores him so much? She loves me. I know she does. It's just, if given a choice to save any one child, I'm sure my mother would choose my brother.
Why am I not good enough? It's not like I'm lacking... I work hard, study hard, I'm not ugly, I stay fit and look presentable enough, I take care of them, listen to them. I do everything for them.
He never did ANYTHING good for them. In fact, he hits me and sometimes her too (something he learned from his father) and still she wants to please him.
They never asked me if I'm okay whenever he beats the crap out of me for not washing his plate or dirty clothes. They pretend not to see.
But one day when I hit him back, they were so angry at me for hurting him.
What about me?
What angers me the most is the fact that I am not allowed to ask these questions. Even when I do ask they ignore me... As if they didn't hear me.
They tell me I should be grateful for what I have. I should be grateful for being alive, having food to eat, clothes to wear and a roof over my head.
I am grateful for what I have. And I'm not complaining. That's in vain.
I'm just venting my frustration.
Just because I'm the quietest one doesn't mean I don't have any problems. I just don't say it, because I know nobody actually cares. I've tried, many times and seen for myself.
I know I'm alone.
I'm now worried about this puppy. I'm trying really hard not to get too attached to her. But it's... I don't think it'll work. How can I not love a puppy? It's a ball of sunshine.
Now I'm worried if my family will look after her after I leave? I don't think they will.
Can I even leave this house anymore?
I feel trapped.