nerd™

the anger games
2021-10-15 08:19:45 (UTC)

day 1698, the rise isn't worth the fall.

7:26am. been awake for over an hour for no reason. i can't stop thinking about the future.
when i try to fast forward 20 years from now, i see myself in this same bedroom but alone this time.
my sisters will get jobs. get married. move away. it's not even a question. they're good at doing what they're supposed to do even if they don't want to at the time. even if it's just to make mom happy. she deserves to be happy.
when En leaves, i can see myself redecorating our room, removing her bed, clearing out some space in an attempt to feel like i have power over anything even if it's just this tiny disfigured room and maybe even the rooftop. and it might work. for a while anyway.
i can't predict when exactly my breaking point would be but i know it'll happen. I'll eventually end up in therapy. if i live long enough to break anyway. I'd rather not.
i would try to get better if only because i don't want the therapy money to go to waste. it won't make a difference, but i would try. after that everyone would clearly see how deeply troubled I am and no one will be able to say that i didn't try. and that would truly set me free. it wouldn't have to look like an accident. i wouldn't have to hesitate. it wouldn't seem so out of the blue. i could just leave.
i can see no other scenarios. im not being pessimistic, i just know myself. i can't change. i can't confront my problems. and I'll die that way.
so what difference does it make if i leave now or if i wait until my family can see that I'm suffering? because i certainly can't tell them any of this and i dont see the point in living such a long lonely life just to leave anyway. it's not that nothing good will happen in this long life, because despite all this, it doesn't take much to make me happy. or at least distract me from my misery. so i will be happy several times. but that's the problem. my highs are too high and they just never last because of course they don't. it's not the universe plotting against me specifically it's just how things work. everyone seems to know how to ration their ecstasies tho so the lows won't feel so soul crushing. and it seems like im not capable of that balance. and so the rise isn't worth the fall. it really never is.
im not sure if i was trying to say something and got lost. rip.
anyway. im still looking for a way that can look like an accident. i haven't found much and my patience is wearing thin. im already doubting if it really has to look like an accident.
this is wishful thinking but im holding on to the hope that me not finding anything means that people actually succeeded and it was ruled as an accident or natural causes. if there is a way i will find it. but if there isn't..




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