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2021-10-14 19:25:09 (UTC)


Short-term memory isn't quite functioning correctly, despite the more realistic amount of sleep my body has been allowed recently. Thoughts aren't sticking properly, constantly falling out of my grasp once I step out of the shower, or out of the room, or after a minute passes.

-I wouldn't really mind being alone for the rest of my life, friends, lovers, companions. I don't think I need to care much about trying to obtain them. I know I'm dying alone so there's no point in getting and losing stuff along the way to numb myself out.
-New fixation will be Marceline. I'll find a way to watch Adventure Time.
-If I end up not using those apps at all during my day anymore, that would be good. Sleeping is preferable.
-A lack of emotional reaction is preferable, nothing good comes out of the opposite happening. It's easier when you don't care enough about something to stress over it, but I guess that would apply to life too sometimes. Teenage brain I guess.
-There's always the argument that can be posed when it comes to depression. I'm quite sure that I've unintentionally wired my brain, my neurons and brain connections, to strengthen the thought of death as a release. Because it is, being free of responsibility and the fight to exist in this society without experiencing social death is a freeing idea. I just can't think that way about the process of dying as I have no pain tolerance. But anyway, that means it has become a habit to have those thoughts rather than something I can call genuine. And even if I do have a lack of happiness from the things that I should be focusing on, I believe it to be better that way since bad decisions are usually made by a happier me.
-Staying up tonight to work on things. He can sleep in the other room if he wants, not my problem, I'm on task.
-Phone is quite irrelevant.