Offloading the Crazy
Honesty is the best policy
Well here I am...
After a failed attempt at writing a hand written journal for the past 9 months and realising I wasn't being completely honest in it just in case my husband thought he would have a sneek peek - I have decided to come to a platform where a) I can get things off my chest, b) do it at a time (while working) that he doesn't start getting all antsy that im writing, c) I can do it anonymously. Bonus: You lovely people can probably have a chuckle too.
So: Quick run through of this year:
January - Very proud of my weight loss, so bought new clothes - woooo! Was mentally in a good place and played a lot of online gaming (which is unusual for me, but it was a good start to the year.)
February - My car was due its MOT, was definitely going to fail due to all the electrical issues so swapped it out for a newer car, and decided to upgrade my phone. Still online gaming and again, things were pretty stable/ happy with my weight. Although I was starting to lose motivation at work due to moving teams as the section I was in was closing (booo!)
March - I reduced my online gaming time, started reading again more and had completely lost any motivation to work or exercise. Was a very grey month. To top it off the holiday was also cancelled so I took the money back
April - Things seemed ok, I was back exercising, losing weight, baking and had some time spent with the hubby. Was also able to get some time fishing with dad. So things were going in the right direction :)
June - Start of June I had this crazy idea that I wanted to set up a bar/ pool table in one of the rooms - the only room this could happen in that was big enough was the lounge, so we moved the whole house around and gave everywhere a lick of paint. Luckily we had the money back from the holiday else it would not have been possible. I also decided I was going to change my look - get some hair extensions and go with a dark purple dye.
July - This was my best month! I was at my best looks, health and happiness wise at the start. Then I got toothache and stopped exercising - never started it up again (ooops). I was out every weekend this month so barely had much time to myself at the weekends and by the time August was here i was mentally frazzled. August wasn't going to let me relax either.
August - Again I had lost all motivation to exercise but found the ability to eat. Even though it was busy I did get some down time fishing and a couple of walks in with the hubby. I know it sounds like I neglect him... and its true, I probably do but I will explain more in the Honesty section below. I am still reading but not as much as I want to. Sometime in July I was given 90 books so probably should get a move on!
September - Well - this is when the crazy starts to come out. There is something which happens in July/August (honesty section) which massively impacts my mental health. From mid September I become very low and start spending money on animals. By the end of September I have purchased 2 budgies and 2 fish... yes, I know buying animals on a whim to fill the void of what im missing isn't healthy - but trust me, they are well cared for - spoilt some may say. The whole conservatory has been changed into a budgie playground in he roof area and the bunnies below don't mind (I've had rabbits since August last year.) The fish are in my home office.
October - I told myself I would start saving again and it was a blip. I just needed to find something to keep my mind occupied... so I adopted a guinea pig that wasn't being looked after properly. I know!! Void filling again. I have put so much money into buying him toys and a play pen and mirrors and a mail order bride (I don't think he is keen... he keeps kicking her out the bed.) I know why i'm doing it - which is a good start but now I need to stop as I really am running very low on my savings. Not looking for sympathy - this is my own fault! Hopefully finding an outlet that I can express my thoughts on to will release them and make room for some calm.
Honesty section (what I didn't put in my diary):
- Big one: From last year I have been having an affair (yes, I'm a terrible person and should be ashamed of myself) I was getting frustrated of the person I was dallying with, he wanted more and I didn't. He was getting whiney that I was spending time with friends and family and not seeing him every week. I tried to break it off with him and he was just not letting go. From July I put a stop to seeing him. Finally in October he has decided its time to move on - and I wish him all the happiness for the future. I decided that July I was going to have a clean slate and try to make it work with my hubby. Try to find that spark, the thing that connected us - the reason why we decided to get married 3 years ago after 7 years of being engaged. But instead I found a guy that has blown my mind. I'm a realist and keep telling myself that yes - it feels like a fairytale because its new, but none of my previous partners have had so much in common or made me feel so secure and brings the old, giddy, excitable, positive, love for life person out that I used to be 13 years ago... I've realised what i'm missing. So why don't I leave my husband if he makes me feel this great. Well...
- Honesty 2: The week my husband and I came back from getting married he got made redundant and the last 3 years have been a mess of him being pushed around between GP's, hospitals, psychologists to psychiatrists and physiotherapists to neurologists... and we are still going. He doesn't get any benefits or universal credits because a) he is married to someone who owns the house. b) I'm just over the pay threshold c) we have no kids. So the last 3 years (yes... I know, in sickness and in health) I have been supporting him through anger, depression and anxiety as well as trying to find answers for what is physically wrong with him. Other than the odd bursts of productivity - decorating the house, he loses himself in games or a new series. No drive to go places or do anything - I love travel and exploration. He goes to bed at 3am and wakes up at midday. I have tried so hard to make him feel safe and comfortable in the house - so he knows he has a safe space when he feels anxious, and I've been there for him when he has needed an ear - as truthfully, he has no one else to turn to. No friends and no family that care. Which answers why I haven't left. I don't trust he wouldn't do anything stupid because he has openly admitted I'm the only reason he keeps going. I know its selfish - but being his support is wearing me down - i'm so so tired.
- Honesty 3: I have tried to become more intimate with my hubby. Had date nights, tried to play sex games... but nothing helps. I look at him and have 0 sexual attraction. He doesn't even bother trying to make a move on me anymore as he thinks I have no sex drive or interest in it. When in fact I love sex, when done right, but he has never been able to pleasure me - I didn't even know my body could make such a mess until I met the first guy last year, and the guy im currently with drives me crazy. I always make sure he is satisfied, that he doesn't go without some oral attention - but he doesn't even try to see if I want anything.
There we have it folks! First entry offloading the crazy!