Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-10-13 21:33:47 (UTC)

Space Cadet Gets Pre-Flight Anxiety

Dr. Wood LXXX

Tonight is the night that I sleep until 3:30am XD It’s just past 9pm right now, so I really should head to bed, but I wanted to do a quick entry before logging my consciousness off. My brother is here with me, lying on the air mattress and watching videos before he falls asleep. The steady hum of the AC, the clatter of my typing, and the miscellaneous utterances from his phone are the only sounds I hear right now. All the lights are off, save for my two computer screens, serving as the only illumination. And now, I’ve officially turned this diary into a pretentious piece of literature where I describe everything a little too poetically. I’m kidding – I just like to write this way. It helps me remember how I felt in a moment by describing the setting. Honestly, this could be the last moment like this. I haven’t been on a plane in years now, and I think I’m getting some anxiety over flying. Perhaps I’ve watched one too many MrBallen videos, or maybe the effects of my Squid Game binge are setting in – I don’t really know. I think I’ve just been away from the air for far too long. I’m sure everything’s gonna be just fine.

How would I feel though if I realized I was actually going to die tomorrow? Like, if I knew in advance that the plane I was on was gonna go down, and there was no way I could stop it nor prevent myself from boarding? Super morbid thought, but in a way it makes me appreciate the subsequent future a bit more. There was a thought I had today about how much I have yet to do in my life. If I heard over the plane intercom to “prepare for impact”… what would I feel in those last few seconds? Sure, I would miss my family a lot. But I think the real kicker would be… what now? What do I do when I give this life away? Things have been going so well… I love this life! Why do I have to give it away now? Do I really have to give it up forever? I have so much more to do still! I have to learn how to be an underwriter! I have to get better at Valorant! I have to see the end of my seasonal shows! I have to know the conclusion of Squid Game! I have chicken in the freezer still – it’s gonna go bad! What about my Japan trip next year? What about the anime convention and The Friends Club meetup? What about the little anime character things I make – I still wanna make them into pins or something, can’t I still do that? I’m not ready for the fun to end! I want my episode of Punk’d to be over – I want the camera people to reveal themselves and say “don’t worry, your life’s not actually over, we were just filming a scene”. I have so many things I still wanna do. And so many things I’ve done before that I wanna do again. Even if there’s a next life, I won’t be the same as I am now. And I love how I am now. I love that I love going to Ardmore and Somerville. I love that I don’t drink. I love that I’m absentminded yet openminded. I love that I use substitute cusswords like “fudge” and “krimpets”. I love that I’m a huge weeb and gamer. I love that I’m self-sufficient. I absolutely, absolutely love my life. I don’t wanna give it away through a freak accident. I love everything too darn much.

I think for the most part, I’m feeling more composed than what I might convey with the above paragraph. I know an accident is incredibly unlikely. And the thing is, I don’t say all of those things to come off as depressing. It’s more so an opportunity for me to remind myself of why life is so important. Not that anything ever cast doubt on its necessity, but I can’t say I don’t overlook it sometimes. Especially with me being in the busiest part of my work year, I find myself going into Groundhog’s Day mode quite a bit. Doing this breast cancer walk is certainly a way to break that up, so in that sense it’s quite nice. Oh, and of course in the sense of how immensely fun it’s gonna be in general. I think right now I’m just entrenched in weird thoughts, perhaps for the very reason of these days becoming pretty nonstandard for my otherwise Groundhog’s Day-sy days. I get pretty vulnerable when I’m outside my routine, I guess. But that’s all okay – I feel a bit more at peace when I write all these thoughts and feelings down. I like that I can create a record of my existence like this.

My baggage is about 90% packed and I’m probably 10-15 minutes away from shuteye. I’m still nervous about flying, but mainly for reasons outside of being on the plane. Going through security, for example, is always an airport pastime that I’m not crazy about. No matter how many times I do it, I don’t get quite used to it. Eh, well, maybe I do actually, but it still makes me at least a tad nervous. I also really hope I haven’t forgotten to do anything for the walk itself. I did double-check that I’m registered and stuff but… I dunno, I still worry. I guess at the end of the day, the worst thing that happens is I’m somehow not able to walk because of random administrative reasons, and I just spend the entire weekend with Eric, who is not walking at all (he’s just staying with us at our rental house). I’m sure everything will be fine. No need to worry further – I’ve done what I can do with all my preparations. All that’s left is to execute the gameplan. I feel like I’m making this into way more of an ordeal than it actually is. Heh, understatement much? Anyway, I’m gonna end it here for now. Looking forward to writing more when I get back – because that means I’ll have survived every potential moment of anxiety that sits before me. Monday, October 18th – expect a post from me! If not, give me about 1-2 days… after that, well, consider me as not having survived. Okay enough joking, it’s weirding me out (yeah I’m doing this to myself, I know that…) Time for bed, and then a weekend of fun!

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