2021-10-13 21:30:44 (UTC)

When I hear her laugh

I am studying. It seems like days. To be honest, I cannot remember too much, and my attempts to retain information seem futile. However, chug, chug, chug... Toot! Toot! I am like the little engine that could just moving forward. I don't know much right now. My brain is full of nothingness, really. My anxiety has detracted lately from my typically happy existence. Really, the fact the ex maintains control by completely excluding the children who hurt them. His actions hurt them very much, and I was there to witness their pain. It is like a rug being pulled out from underneath or a sudden slip on icy pavement. You are unsure about your next step. You have that hot flush of embarrassment, looking to see if anyone has seen your misfortune. My armpits always tingle, and pain shoots down my neck. I felt like that until about four months ago for two and a half years. It pisses me off that now that feeling returns. The kids cannot understand that the reappearance of their father has given all of the anxiety. However, it is not ok for me to tell them why they feel the way they do either. My anxiety is from doing the best thing I knew how to do and that was to tell them their father had experienced a significant amount of pain. I have never just told them what a pos he is. He is back now to try and get my daughter to not enroll in college. I will work my got damn magic somehow someway. In time, the inevitable truth of who he is will be fully known to them. It is painful for them. I cannot stop it but I can stop the damage he is trying to do now.

Needless to say, my mental and emotional health is something I guard. I take care of myself and protect my mental and physical well-being. However, when the power to control the environment and situation around me is out of my grasp, I found myself preparing for eating disordered behavior. I have been a nervous ball of energy since that pos walks back in. It is not fair. I pull myself out of homelessness where he put me. I have a home. I got my kids back. I am in school and kicking some ass. It is hard. I am not naturally gifted nor smart. I am simply determined, and it takes an overwhelming portion of my time. That need that drives me to maintain a perfect grade point average propels me to study too much. I cannot wait to make an A-minus or, better yet, B plus. I would be happier. In fact, this semester, I have relaxed on study time because the kids needed me. Next semester, I am able to take classes towards my master's. This is my one of my dreams come true. My biggest dream, my number one and best dream, which came true, was for God to give me back my children and, more importantly, for them to be happy.

My ex made money. I stayed at home. It is what it is. I NEVER GAVE UP ON MY KIDS! I love them so much, and if being with him was best for them, I would have allowed it, but it was manipulation and speaking badly about me. It was not true. He lied. That is why I just did not stop. Never! I found myself in a domestic violence shelter in a pair of slippers. I worked from slippers to shoes, to moped, car. I went from domestic violence shelter to transitional housing, to apartment, to home. I went from motherless to full custody. I went from server to bartender to being awarded a handsome divorce settlement. He thought I was stupid enough to settle for pennies. At the time, as awful as I was made out to be and he thought was actual, I can see why he thought I would be that stupid. It was brutal. I was homeless, and if I walked away with basically nothing, he would help pay half of my bills. Well, I was in a shelter. No, I stood for the first time on my own and found in all that craziness myself. I forget the power of who I am, and my perspective is not always focused. I am able to maintain my school. The kids are happy. However, I get messy. My room is a mess. I haven't done much, but the essential things are done. Well, lol, it is sloppy sometimes. My daughter plays tennis. I always bring snacks and lunches for tournaments. Most of the time, it takes an average of three trips, either home or to the store, to get everything. This is my life. Always preparing, seemingly never prepared. A million times better than before, though. I laugh when I mess up or forget. I recognize how to accept this part of me. The girls and coach have gotten better at texting me and sending reminders while on trip numbers; who knows. I am accepted for who I am, and it feels incredible.

Anyways, my daughter, whom I call my sunshine, laughed. It was one of those laughs that sent a laugh through me. It is the kind that just lifts my day and puts a smile on my face for hours. It is when I hear her laugh. When I know, she is happy. When I know she is doing great and that despite my failings as a mother... that I never intended... ugh... anyway, these moments are the ones that teach me, lift me up, and make me try and be better for her. I often thank God for the time I was taken from them. I learned how to appreciate them, truly value them, and it is in this time, I learned what real love is. I found a deeper, more profound love, but more importantly, it is indescribable. To feel like they were lost to me... I would not accept it! Her laugh... Thank you, God, for my children and their happiness and successes! Just to her her laugh is a daily goal and is the best part of my day.