A thing to talk to
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Outing with Nik.
I turned 25 on 27th September. I already feel so old.
So,I haven't been updating frequently because I was kind of confused. A lot of things happened and it's aftereffects–my slow brain didn't really comprehend fully yet.
I'll start with this one.
There's this guy from my college that I've been good friends with and we have the same birthday. I'll call him Nik.
So, yeah we ended up wishing each other like every year.
We talked for like 2hrs on phone and decided to see each other. I wasn't happy about the idea of getting out of the house, but...it's been more than a year since I've seen him in person so I agreed.
We met, talked, made fun of each other. He told me I look terrible (lol), which is true. Well, he meant I look depressed and sad and have lost my "happy face". I couldn't even get annoyed at him because he's right. I feel lost and empty so naturally, I'm at my worst.
He looks good, a bit tired because of his work. Oh, he's a private bank employee. He recently got the job and has been too busy to go to gym or ground(he plays football and cricket with the neighbourhood kids)
He's always been this "gym" guy. Not the buff type but fitness is important to him I guess. He was a state level judo player back at school.
We were walking inside the garden of a Palace which was once used by the regional royal family to entertain its guests. It's a beautiful place and every month it hosts a lot of cultural meets and programs. This place is now protected by the tourism department since it's a heritage monument according to The Indian National Trust for Art and Cultural Heritage. (yeah, this stuff was written on a board inside so I memorised it lol)
So, we walked around the garden. The entire time he complained about my "heels" because that made me look taller than him. I wasn't even wearing "heels", it was the only decent sandal I have with like 1/2 inch heel or something. It's not my fault that I'm tall! It's not like I can reduce my height now.
He's always been insecure about his height, especially in front of me. He does this funny thing (I've noticed)— he push back his shoulder and try to make it as wide as possible and walks so straight (maybe to appear taller). It reminds me of a concept of 'happy lobster & sad lobster' that I read in a book. Something like happy lobster have better posture because they have more serotonin. I forgot the book's name. It's a good one so I'll search it up later.
The best way I could describe Nik is: he's like a... His personality is like a Rottweiler.
He's a very loyal & confident man and will help anyone (non strangers) in need if its within his power BUT is very cautious of strangers.
He's also quite a show off sometimes. He can mingle with people easily and has really good social skills.
He's obsessed with shoes. I never understood his fascination with those.
Also, I think he likes me... In a romantic way.
No, I'm sure he does. I just don't want to admit that I'm sure he likes me. If I don't admit it then I won't have to lose this one good friend...
I feel pathetic.
I don't believe in love. I like arranged marriage better. Because it's arranged. I won't be disappointed if marry a man I don't love, and tolerating him would be easy.
We can become comfortable after years of tolerating each other. It'll eventually become a habit. Maybe he'll cheat as well. Tbh, at college and during internships, I've been hit on by men who are married to wayyyy more beautiful, stylish and accomplished woman. At first I was so confused! They have such amazing (tbh, too good for them) wife by their side yet they go around hitting on younger immature girls like me.
Maybe it's because we are immature and are young. They think it's easy to fool us(which is kindof true, though I hate to admit it).
So I won't act like an idiot who believes that a man will love one woman. Nah. Men will cheat. And I'm okay with it as long as he hides it well from me.
So back to the event.
He confessed that he likes me and would like to be my boyfriend.
And I was like "huh?"
There was this awkward silence for a few moments before we started pretending like nothing happened.
Then he went back on subtle flirting and I went back to subtle rejection and the game went on till evening.
While we were at the garden, an Astrologer or hand reader (idk what to call them) came by and asked if we'd like to know our "Nakshatra" /star.
I was like - nope. I don't believe in this stuff and nor does Nik.
But then Nik was like, let's just try it out.
So, Mr astro read my hand and these are the things he told me
1. You should have been born as a male but were born as female because that was the wish of your parents.
(uh... Okay. Idk how to feel about that...)
2. You have avoided a lot of death incidents in the past 5yrs.
3. You think too much. Too much about death and killing yourself. Control your thoughts and don't think too much, that's the only way you can live blissfully.
(shit. I'm scared of this guy now! Did he read my diary?! )
4. Someone from your blood relation, a female whose name has 3syllables, is cursing you. That someone has been hurt by your family in the past and turned away from you all. She prays for your destruction.
( I think I know who that is... Perfectly fits the description. But I don't believe in curses or blackmagic.)
5. Good things will come to you after your 25th birthday. Including a job related to government sector.
(oh. Well... That's good. I just turned 25)
6. You don't have much blessings from god. Because you don't believe in the divine. Believe in god, visit the temple more often, and do archanas. So far, only prayers have been protecting you.
(... Okay. I'll try. I bet the prayers were all by my mom. She prays every single day. I guess, for me it's always been - I don't need God because I have my mom.)
We went to a nearby restaurant to eat something...actually better term would be "dragged" because I'd refused but Nik kept insisting I should eat with him and how long its been.
I refused not because I didn't want to dine out with him but because I don't like restaurant food.
But anyway, I ordered some noodles and he got shawarma. I couldn't even complete the noodles so he had to help me out.
I felt like an idiot. I should have ordered some bread sandwich or something. That's smaller and would have been quicker to eat. I couldn't help but feel guilty because he paid for the food.
While eating we talked about our college friends. He dropped in some remarks about a guy who had literally stalked me all the way to my house. Then another one who kept following me everywhere within college because he "loved" me. Then some other guys I don't even remember. I stopped listening halfway.
Idk why Nik brought up those guys from the past. I hated them. Well... Hate might be an extreme expression but yeah they were annoying as hell.
Sometimes, I can't help but wonder why would those guys "love" me without even having a single proper conversation with me? What do they even know about me?
And how the hell did I became their target? I'm not even that attractive.
Yeah, I know I'm pretty. Not boasting, but I know I'm attractive in some way. But I'm not like "oh my god" or "out of the world" beauty. Just plain normal pretty with very normal /basic style (as minimal as possible because I'm cheap like that) with no outstanding features. I just look like my mom. She's pretty, that's how I know I'm pretty as well.
My college life should have been normal. Classes. Library. Occasional outings with some group of people I call "friends", no bothering the teachers, get work done on time, keep good grades, stay out of college politics.
But how my college life went... Is something like this:
Irregular classes because of college politics and police raids. Library. Occasional outings with some group of people I hated but pretend to tolerate because otherwise they would spew more bullshit rumors about me, random boys appearing outta thin air and falling in "love" with me, some bitches getting jealous because these random ass guys were giving me attention which I didn't ask for,
I ignoring these random assholes and they getting pissed by my attitude so started bullying me with the help of the college political committee, some "friends" /people whom I tolerated started getting along with these assholes and started slut shaming me, bullshit rumors reaching my college professors and they start to dislike me; cutting my attendance from classes, deducting marks, one of them even asked sexual favors.
Seriously, I have no idea how shit hit the fan and everything negative that could possibly happen to me started happening. From bullying to stalking to rape threats to idk... Just hell.
I didn't use social media back in college. Not even fb. So I didn't knew the kind of bullshit some girl "friends" of mine were spreading about me.
I still have no idea why they had to go this far but my best guess would be "jealousy"
When I asked Nik about it, he told me that it all started when one of the girl, I'll call her [email protected] here, had taken a group selfie. She uploaded that pic on fb and got some 1k likes or something, but people in the comment started asking about the girl in the blue dress.
The girl in the blue dress was me. That's what Nik said. I don't even remember taking this pic.
That's how I became the centre of attention without even having social media account.
He also mentioned most guys thought I was a flirt, and he couldn't help but laugh out loud while telling me.
I've always been aware of how terrible I am at stuff related to flirting. I don't know how to flirt. Though a friend of mine named "Ani" disagrees. She says I do flirt but without Realizing.
I also disagree with her because how the hell do one flirt without even talking?
I'm mostly silent. Barely speak or interact. Rarely laugh (though I give a smug grin now and then just to show yeah I'm here) But I listen carefully to whoever is talking.
Maybe some guys who thought I was "flirting" with them might have a thing for aloof people like me. Maybe they just like the silence.
Seriously, if I knew keeping my mouth shut would be mistaken for flirting, I would've kept my mouth running all the damn time.
You know why I never had any social media accounts?
1. No Internet.
2. Ancient phone with a weak battery.
3. No time.
4. The main reason : I wanted NIL attention. I wanted to stay out of trouble.
And [email protected] was mad at me for stealing attention in a group photo she took and uploaded in her own fb account.
Then why didn't she just delete it? Or better, take another group photo without me in it? Or cut out me from the group pic?
I don't give a shit about her pic. I didn't even have a damn fb account!
Nik told me she wouldn't do that because somehow, having me in the pic gave her more likes.
I never thought about it, but this girl would always try taking selfies with me. I never thought much about it because its just a selfie and she acts cute... And I see no reason to refuse her.
Just imagine how surprised I was when one guy from another department( a stranger) told me I look amazing in the "recent pic"
Apparently, she [email protected] had been uploading my pics in all of her social media accounts - fb, insta, watsapp, Snapchat and god knows where else without asking me even once.
Now... Uploading pics wasn't as bad as the cringy captions she'd used... Stuff like
"it's so hot! 🥵" "Fabulous" "single but ready to mingle"
Or some quote by someone I couldn't care less about.
That's how all my misfortunes began.
So, yeah my life was kindof hell in college but I still managed to make 2 good friends. One is Nik.
Funny how most of the asshole guys involved with politics are now in jail.
They thought they could get away with anything as long as they had political backing. Lol.
Just as mentioned in Mahabharata,
सर्वे कर्मवशा वयम्।
(We all are under karma.)
Anyway, We talked a lot. I had a good time with him. He dropped me back at a supermarket somewhat near my house (because I had to buy a stufftoy)
Then I walked back home. He told me to call him once I reach home, so I did.
Next time I meet him I'll gift him a new helmet. I noticed he use the same helmet even though he bought a new bike.
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