Life Without A Map
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2021-10-13 07:36:54 (UTC)

I Was In Guilt

Underneath it all, she had a good heart. It was just buried under years of abuse.

Coming from an abusive past myself, I knew I couldn't "fix" her...
But did hope that we both would find a sort of healing in each other's arms.

I wish that I could say that i found that healing...but instead I found isolation.

It started with my best friend Ariel, who heard everything that was going on about the accusations against Corey, and my plans to give everything I had because I was in love..

The truth is, I wasn't really in love. I was in guilt. I blamed myself for CPS taking Kylee.

When Kelli said she wasn't going to pick her up, and the school called me, I didn't know what to do.

All I knew was that my girlfriend was curled in the fetal position crying... Saying how she didn't want to cut herself.. but...she couldn't handle this.

I told the school that Kelli was suicidal and that I wasn't going to leave her. Kelli didn't want her.

It broke my heart when later Kelli changed it up stating that she loved Kylee and never intended on abandoning her at school. All she wanted was someone to help her, because she was afraid of the stories that were being made up.

I was going to do anything I could to make things right again.

One of the last things Ariel said to me was that I was going backwards, and she couldn't watch me undo all the hard work I had done to get myself stable.

I understood where she was coming from. I had been in love before and let it tear me apart. I swore it wasn't going to happen again.

In my eyes, Kelli had lost everything. And you don't just abandon someone because they are a little broken and need a little help. I've had people do that to me, and I didn't want to be that person.

Next was my 60 hour a week job.
I wasn't ready to quit, but she had gotten Kylee back from CPS, and it was always the plan that she would work, and I would stay home with the kid. Somehow she was going to work it out so that I could be Kylee's caregiver. I'm not sure how that was supposed to work? But honestly, I didn't mind that.

My son Corey is 18. When he was young I enjoyed staying home with him.

Now that he is 18 and working to start his own life.. I thought that taking care of Kylee would ease the pain of my empty nest syndrome.

I miss my little boy...

One by one she found reasons that I didn't need my friends. They were all bad.. mistreating me.. just using me..and stupidly I just started shutting everyone out because I didn't want to hear her drama.

I miss my friends.

Lastly, when she wanted to move us out of town, where I had no way other than to depend on her to visit my son... Well that was a hard pill to swallow. I knew that I couldn't keep this up anymore. I was miserable with a painted smile.

I knew that I wanted to end things before we even came back into town..but last night's episode of trying to run over someone with her car wasn't the first.

She had talked on several occasions about how she had left people in the middle of nowhere to find there way back..

Or how she made an enemy of hers a special shake that nearly killed him..and then every time she saw a cop she would yell out the window that she hoped they got shot.

Yeah .. I was scared to say the least.

But underneath all the psycho
She was sweet, and her heart was genuine.

I believe that she did love me. Possibly she still does, but like me she is hurting.

The last time I wanted to break up.. it was a mess.

It was three in the morning that we were talking. I told her that I wasn't ready to be mom, or have a family the way that she wanted.

It was literally the day before she was got Kylee back. She was upset, (understandably)

Kylee was looking forward to seeing her Momma Aimee, and her new brother Corey... And we both had promised her that everything was going to be fine.

I cried, feeling guilty...and simply asked what if it doesn't work? What if I can't do this? What if I fail?

I don't remember the answers... I just remember her wrapping me in her arms and telling me that everything was going to be fine. My problem was that I had always listened to the people who lied to me and said that I was worthless.. but she saw so much more..and she hoped that one day I would see it too.

When I couldn't stop crying, she gave me chocolate and a cold Dr Pepper..which can pretty much make anything better in my eyes..lol. Then she made love to me... I cried the whole time .

In a short three month a lot of tears have been shed... But yet I haven't cried once today.

Instead I spent time with Corey. We went for a walk and played Pokemon Go. Then this evening we watched Ready Player One together. I've really missed having that time with him, and I promise that I won't let anyone get in the way of that again.