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2021-10-12 22:49:58 (UTC)


I seem to lack self-control, and I can say that because I've ended up with this same place at around this time of night too many times. Nothing does seem to be right with anyone here, taking a closer look. Whether it's the way that my brother watches tv and plays games at the same time, or the way that I'm still wearing jeans despite what time it is. Or the water bottle being on my desk. I'm not organized and everything around me is wrong in some way. The music blasting through my headphones is noisy to me but taking them off would just be boring. The disarray of my surroundings is noisy, except visually. Why am I bothered? I truly do wish I could sleep these days away. But unfortunately, I'm not in the position to do so.

I have to work. And to work I need to control myself. But with no self-control, that is obviously impossible. I suppose it genuinely was easier to work when I physically went to school. I don't really want to have self-control but at the same time, I don't want to be here. In order to get out of here, I need self control. Delayed Gratification. It's as though my mind is triggered when I see the phrases, and ideas. Triggered into a state that is distracted, wanting to do something else. Anything else than what I'm currently working on doing. But what does reading solve? Nothing, nothing at all. Let's say I find a really good book that temporarily satisfies my desire to get away from book. I finish reading that and then I'm searching for something new? An infinite loop. I'm gonna go fix some tea.