Ad 2:
2021-10-11 12:04:59 (UTC)


I've managed to be consistent with a few things in my life so far. All good things that bring me better health physically and mentally, like my workout schedule, tutoring which involves actually going somewhere to meet with people. But in what matters more to me being consistent was hard, like sitting and journaling (peoperly) on a daily basis, sketching and drawing, meditation, etc. Needless to say it's been an exhaustive week without me realizing and the past weekend was needed for recovery. To be perfectly honest, tutoring had been underwhelming, mostly because it feels I'm the only one taking the sessions seriously. Parents don't care about their children knowing a new language, they think of it in terms of their children owning more stuff to be ahead of their class, to be able to boast about their children's "achievements". My efforts go without results because no one has the heart to match what I'm putting in. It's a waste of energy, really, energy I should be investing in my true purpose.

When I think of going home in order to continue writing Anna's story, sitting in my classroom waiting for the next student to enter starts feeling like a dream. It becomes inconsequential the way some dreams are inconsequential, the ones you forget the second you open your eyes. I guess it's the same feeling one gets when it's time to go home, to one's safe space. I imagine my sister would frown at that. "You will never achieve anything in your comfort zone". Except a safe space isn't the same as a comfort zone. This is something extroverts would never understand. Pardon my generalization, but I have this terrible need to announce that I belong somewhere. Generalization was always a tactic that best served emphasis. It highlights contrast. Because if we're all different then we're all the same. And that's good, for a different context.

After some reading, I discovered that what I have is a paracosm. Simply put, I have an imaginary world in my head. It's not uncommon with dreamers and creative, actually. Some can use it as their safe space, some develop it for pleasure, and some can develop it for writing purposes. In a way I have one for each, a multiverse. It came as a relief to know that not only are there communities who share their paracosms with others, but there are sites to help develop them. I wonder if DG would scowl at the notion. He's more of the mind that he's one of a kind. With C, I'd say we build one together, and that's what made all this so painful, and maybe why I can be pretty protective of my world. I disclosed a lot here once, and got pain in return, so the walls are still up on that front. But who hasn't felt that pain, anyway. No, I figured if I'm going to expose my imagination then I'm going to do it right, through craft and skill. I'll try my best anyway.

THAT also requires consistency.