Lost for words at times
2021-10-10 18:54:00 (UTC)

Dilemma over

He turned up just as he normally does this morning, asking me if i'd like to go to our favourite cliff top walk. Um.. no was my replie having visions of him accidently going over the cliff top and me previously posting on here that he could accidently slip imagine that!

He took me to a beach where we had another chat. Everything came out, we both needed to establish where all this negative stuff has come from. It basically stems from the night he pushed, shoved and grabbed me by my neck. (The reason why l started my diary.) He was completely intoxicated NOT that i'm making excuses as no one, man or woman has the rights to be subjected to violence in any form. I forgave him for that, telling him if it ever happened again he'd be gone. I have suffered domestic abuse both physical and mental by a previous partner. Like l said l don't agree with violence, but when grabbed me around my neck and i'm trained in self defence l put him swiftly on the floor. I hate myself for that as he still is suffering the repercussions of me doing that to him :(

We have agreed he needs to cut down his alcohol consumption abit more. He admitts he says things which he doesn't remember but then he says i'm too sensitive. I am a sensitive person but l don't see that being a bad trait to have. He also admitted he is obviously still grieving over the loss of his wife with no detrement to me, he says he feels guilty about loving me, having such intense feelings for me when less than 2 yrs ago he loved and lost his wife. I couldn't even begin to imagine what he must sometimes be going through. We both agreed to talk more.

We agreed that he needs to spend alittle more time practising for his new band. 1st gig 31st October. I know he loves his bands and his guitar. It's his way of expressing himself and l fully support him for that, where all words fail his music speaks.

I apologised for telling him off for not coming to see me. Although.. he still could of popped in on the way home even if it was just for a coffee. He understood why l felt let down. His defence was 'l could do what l liked when l liked' when his wife was here. I'm sure and no doubt he did. But i'm not her.
I'm a strong minded, independant woman that will stand up for my own rights and beliefs. He isn't used to that and admitted he isn't used to being challenged. Or maybe l should learn to hush my stupid mouth up at times.

This isn't all about him.. l have issues that l need working on. I have alot of issues with being rejected, let down, being good enough, fitting in, from previous relationships. I don't think l build walls, l think mine are skyscraper size. So between us BOTH we need to keep the line of communication open.

My childhood friend of 45 years sought me out just over a year ago. A few things need tweeking but i'm sure that will happen in time. I love him unconditionally and it's not just the warm fuzzies i'm on about.. It's about a deep mutual expression of respect, trust, honesty, integrity, intimacy, chemistry, and partnership be it only a few days a week.

So l will continue to learn, and love my manchild.

Take care of you x