Lost for words at times
What am l doing...
I had a video call with my daughter, she is doing ok at the moment apart from having a major headache, she isn't coughing anymore so l guess thats a good thing plus she is eating. She had me in hysterics as her house is under attack by none other than ladybugs, but the way she was reacting it might as well been a swarm of killers bees.
He came around last night, what an absofuckinglute disaster!! Wtf am l doing.. l really don't know anymore.. l feel sick inside, hurt, numb, lost for words, again! Drink involved again.. it all started off by him telling me that he has decided to have the covid booster vaccine, fine fair enough. I asked him why he had a change of heart as he was so anti it the other week. He said he felt selfish that if he didn't have it and anything happened to him his children 16 and 18 would be left without a parent. Plus they depend on him financially. My comment was if you have it and anything happened to you, they'd be in the same position but it's you're choice and l respect that. Omfg... wft did my stupid mouth say.. He said my kids would grieve, but because they was older and not financially dependant on me like his kids, i'd be no loss to them, like he'd be to his. Like what are you saying..I started to cry i'm not sure if it was out of anger or just plain hurt. He then told me that the relationship wasn't working out, as all we were doing just of late was arguing. I don't know who he has been arguing with as l only see him once a week on a friday and a few hours on a sunday. I said to him about letting me down last week, being he said he wanted to see me during the week, he basically told me l shouldn't be so needy to want to see him for an hour or so. He also accused me of making him feel depressed because l didn't text him as much last week. I didn't text because you let me down.
I feel like i'm on a rollercoaster ride. He brings me up and in a blink of an eye he snatches me back down. Why has he turned something that was so loving and beautiful into something that now feels so toxic. I actually feel like i'm going crazy with my emotions. My self worth is at an all time low, l feel weaken and destabilized. Wtf is wrong with him, but more importantly why am l allowing it.
I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow. I don't want to go.
Song for me today is Damage is done by Black Label Society