legacy

If I die today
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2021-10-08 15:09:37 (UTC)

unpredictable

Well another week down no bill from the atty. Which makes me think later I'm gonna get slammed hard out the whazoo so we will see. Anyhow today was average no run 2 shorter walks I somehow did chores from close to 9 I started laundry and I sat down at 1120something so IDK what I was doing but I did feel like I did something .. hopefully it was productive. This morning there was a cockroach in the bathroom one roach nDea found it killed it or whatever then told me about it . no further evidence of bugs. our dinner date with his sister for this saturday is pushed back to next saturday since her bf has to help his mother move this weekend. so the menu is chicken alferdo its alllergy friendly to me. All the usual vitimains this morning and when taking the xrsheild I got one and one fell on the table so I took 2 which 3 is a normal dose but I just take one a day so thats that. nothing too terrible or bad in my gut today unremarkable and who needs to hear about my sh!t anyway unless its killing me. no word from mom. So group last night was good. oh yLindse had a headache I should text her see how she's doing. so I've been thinking about myself a lot and things. we still talked about words last ngiht but all I could think about was how I talk to the dog I have an example of all kindsa life death and idel/useless"shallow" words in what I say to the dog. This thought didnt need to be shared. so anyhow its been on my mind lately bc ya know the dog its a thing we sorta butt heads on on accasion. key word on accasion but you know what while it doesnt seem like the dog should be spoiled and he has his quirks tehres a hard truth maybe I am a little tough on him. he's been thru a lot of changes but one thing is its a little evident to me that yes one minute I'm a snuggle bunny the next minute I'm get down move i'm frustrated. Even in walking it can be a gentle walk but once the leash starts getting tangled or pulling or some embarsshing behavior if he doesnt respond quick I do get frustrated. maybe he doesnt know what to exspect from me and when so it makes it hard to be friends. Thinking about the inconstinicies and sometimes for days man I can resent him just bc of simple burn out or sometimes bc of his offences which he can be a sh!t sometimes or maybe just bc of something nDea has allowed that the dog has done that I disagree with . Anyhow guess this is a tough reality thou this is who I am I'm not sonsitanlty gentle and now it saddens me but I know now why I have all this "mental" health history I'm so not stable or predictable. At one point even to recent dates man it seems to me i'm doin reall good but dam dambit I'm not. I cant let these diagnoiisis or labels reign true so I'm not sure what to do but truth is i'm not stable or well. So who's to want to befriend me or be anything to me if this is me and you dont know what you will get one minute to the next. Yes it would still be upsetting to hear or see this outlound ifsomeone esle told me the news that I'm not well so well lets just hope noone tells me . Its better to wrestle with this inside but I need to mak some changes. IDK what they will be or where to start but I want to be trustworthy and approachable and why whould anyone approach anyone based on my past behaviors and attududes its easy to see why I'm left out or leftalone. or am just alone. In other news so i do have the letter from the iii are ess that stated I owe 5hundrend or 6 something so the4 11th is the deadline that I was given so I'm thinking of what to do as far as budget and finaincingand well I intend to try to just avoid them and limit what is available to them and perhaps after the atty ordeal is done in a bit I can handle another exspence. sadly it is a debt I owe so I should just face it. Idk how or when but I can only hope for the best and try to do what i can. theres a lot I'm worried about ir budgeting so guess we will see what I decide as time goes on. well its friday afernooneveing and really not much that I have to share or give outwardly nothing new other than the idenfying that I'm a total spaz and I gotta break outta this unstable emotional behavior.


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