LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2021-10-08 12:04:47 (UTC)

a dry entry

"Premonitory Dream" by Crying

To embark upon
Something they had never done

Out of fear
Fear of pain
But keeping static felt exactly the same

From underneath, the dark waves riled
After a wind blew by, removing
A pair of glasses from my face
And it occurred to me it wasn’t worth just staying in place

October 8, 2021 Friday 3:45 PM

I just off Zoom with my psychiatrist. I don't know why I get this way, where I end up feeling super betrayed and embittered towards my doctors, but it always happens. I feel so defensive and my inner monologue is a stream of "fuck off"s. I know it's irrational. Especially because my psychiatrist is actually quite good compared to the other doctors I've had. But whether they're good or not is irrelevant, I guess, because I remember being angry at Lancelot for a long time too. Such odd vibes from yours truly.

Things are ok. I have an interview at a library.

LOL so the most notable thing to happen, I think, is that I got rear-ended the other day. My car isn't running anymore for some mysterious reason following that. It's been a huge pain and if I felt trapped before, it's way worse now, lol. The back and forth with insurance and such has been a huge pain. I desperately want to run off to Cambridge but I can't until my car is fixed, whenever that'll be.

Caroline and I feel fine now. I think I'm crazy. I keep doing these weird things where I make up conflicts in my head and get stressed about them! Anyway, we were watching Squid Game together. Caroline confessed yesterday that she finished it without me, she couldn't resist D: I was so upset. Well, now I'm going to make her watch The Wailing.

My psychiatrist seems to think I want to move out west. She asked if I was planning on staying in the area and I shook my head vehemently (exercising the fraction of violence I felt towards her lmao—"Do you want to hurt yourself?" No, ma'am, but I do want to scream). I said if possible, I'd get away from New York and the east coast in general And then she kept talking about me going to the west. I meant anywhere—not the "west." Actually, I'd probably try to avoid California as well, since I have plenty of family over there too...

Ash asked me to watch a show for her, Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, so I've been watching that too. It's pretty good!

Ok that's all. This is quite a dry entry, huh? I don't know what to do with myself, really.



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