miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-10-08 18:40:27 (UTC)

PIGPEN from the peanuts

every day i feel the disconnection more and more between cam and i. as he sinks into his dark places again, this time due to his health issues...he becomes unattainable in all ways. i have done this so many times before with him. i know full well, that the only thing i can do is let go. trying to hang on while he fades away into darkness...doesn't help either of us. and i can't continue to subject myself to the pain i always feel when he does this. i could continue to write to him...so that when he DOES pop in, he will see that i'm there and haven't deserted him. but his absence causes me to feel deserted on such painful levels, so i'm not going to do it this time. he has enough to deal with in his life, and even tho he said "he needs me in his life"....the proof is in the pudding. he knows how to reach me if wants to. until then...i just have to bow out...cause it hurts me too much to try to stay connected to someone who's clearly UNPLUGGED. i make this decision for myself....to make things hurt less. but it still hurts. i can't win.

my vinyasa class started this week, and it's intense. i need something intense to focus on right now, to get out of all the other intense things in my life. my therapist tells me that it's not my life that's intense. she says it's "ME". i am an intense person. i feel things deeper and harder than some people, and so things that others just "get thru"...affect me harder. she says i either FEEL intensly for a person, or i DON'T FEEL intensely for a person. the NOT feeling is just a deep, with different emotions. if i love you...i love you intensely. if i don't love you...i do that intensely too. i guess she's right. i didn't like when she first said it, but the more i think about it...the more i think she's right. she described me once as person surrounded by a cloud of profound feelings, much the way you see "pigpen from the peanuts charachters", surrounded by that cloud of dust and dirt. ever moving...ever present...rarely understood or appreciated. i appear "hard" on the outside, when in reality, i'm exposed and raw...somewhat inside out, so that things affect me deeper when they touch me.

its weird to see or have yourself explained by another person...so accurately. but, it's good too. she helps me see myself, and it's part of the journey right? sometimes it feels like she's seeing someone else completely, and it takes me some time to process what she says, and then to more often than not, come around to seeing she's right. i wonder if i would have always been like this, if i'd been allowed to be whoever i really should have been. or is this just because all of that held in stuff for so long, finally turned me inside out, in order to release pressure so i wouldn't explode?

feeling meloncholly today. it is what it is.


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