If I die today
This is to N.eil O.wen from sound mind I think is the name we met thru R.-L-B broadcasting. Dear Neil,
Its been a while I hope you are well and have endured. Hopefullly your health has improved signifanlty and suffering is managble if any at all. This is hard bc I'm still confused hurt sad and somewhat mad about everything. I know you were'nt there to see what played about betwenn meandty. I dont think you need to know now. I did hold you as an idol thou and shouldnt have exspected you to be a hero or an influence on my life deiscions to get that drastic and get married althou you cautioned agaisnt I still dont know why I met this "man" and what went on with the "money" Maybe you did mean well with pure heart and inention maybe you you were deccieved. OR maybe you had/have an adgenda I dont know. I despartly wanted someone/something (s?) in my life and i attached to you way more than I sould have. I'm sorry for the chaios and confusion I caused. To this day I do not consider you a father-figure or teacher/leadetr to me. Sadly you're nothing to me and thats for the best. I guess you're an infleuce thou bc we did have some sorta bond. I forgive you for any offences against me and God if any. The thing that stood out to me wwas your repsonse to me when the marriage ended seemed to me like you'd already pegged me as the bad guy or thought you knew something whatever just made me feel like [email protected] While I was confused desparte and lost it sucked. I'm over that . It also confuses me how I was told you were dying and you were used as a barging tool for marriage weather you asked to be reconised like that or not I dont know. Years later you are still alive. I was told byty that he was filling your shoes when you died and that was something to think about for the marriage. The marriage was my sin my not even mistake my will was set and it was wrong. I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of the drama an i'm sorry for holding you accountable for things that you may have nothing to do with. I cant judge you I dont want to. I want to forigive you. I'm sorry for my offences the jealusy deciet and well I guess theres a list of crap that I have wronged I am sorry. I dont want to be that person or rembered as that person. There is wickedness and evil in this world and I'm aware we are spiritual beings with enteral souls. Its not a game and I'm sorry for the immaturity and selfseeking and pittifulness. You are responible to GOD for yourself . I hope that you have puirty in your heart and I rateher think maybe you were mistaken and decivied in somethings than that you were/are a snake. God knows the truth. Please take care of yourself. Take care of your family and responibities to GOD and be faithful in your community. May GOd prosper you in the way you should go and protect you and those around you from sin and error in ways if any inpurities. Pursue purity. I dont want need anything from you that I know of I cant or wont maybe reffer anyone to you in my life . It would probally be distressing to my nearest fmaily/friends if you did show up in any form after my passing. Maybe they could cope. I dont see any purpose for you thou. If theeres healing then pursue what is good. Well I have to go now but please be at peace with our connections.
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