Live my life♥

its affecting me

Yes, ever since that bastard came in my dream after a long time, after I started stalking his life and after I came to know that he is all good. It has affected me. why why why??? I was all good.. i was in all myself, my life chilled even after all the problems. why am I bothered so much. I literally feel I might get anxiety. I feel my chest full, I feel nausea. also my mind is going crazy its making stories of V how can we meet and how will he regret and how things will be fine at our end. why am I even thinking to get back him when I do not want my is my mind pushing me? I tired of all I could do? I even shamelessly approached him in Feb 2021 he told me on my face to burger off...disrespectfully. he warned me not to msg him, still? my mind is like go and get yourself insulted more. why the fuck? Did I love him that much or my current situation is this bad that I feel this is the only way out? errgggg omg for heavens sake I want peace. my blood is boiling more to see that he is not stalking, not even 0.01% bothered about me. also i know why because he is at his happy place with job, money i doubt, his work, parents and life so he dont miss me. i rooted for him for all this and phewww.. I said him u'll have everything but not me and that happened but that over rolled on me, it did not affect him but me. I want his good but I want him to miss me yaar why ? am I going crazy??
Currently nothing in my life is near to perfect no job, no money no guys.. am not even an inch near to this all, am also not getting a positive vibe or any positive intuition. an ideal mind is devils workshop. pheww whats stored in my life?? Even if I marry some NRI will I be happy? if ill marry someone from ere will I be happy? I am so blank right now. I really need to work my ass of to get job am trying my best and today i got a rejection. everyday I deal with a rejection. I have observed whatever decision I take in my life I have regretted. I wanna quite am not happy with this game of life. If i die I want Monku to read this diary. that how much i was dying... for him and because of him.
he looked at mom in anger
he did not stand by me
he did not bother to call me for 3 months
he shooed me
he even told me that he might abuse me, if i talk more
he blamed me for all bookings in front of my and his parents
he promised me and never made it true
he did not think about me during all the mess
he thought of opting me out in all this mess
till end he never convinced me to stay back genuinely
these all pointers are the reminders for me to not think of him and hate him...
cya