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2021-10-05 01:36:08 (UTC)


What you have to understand when I say that my life seems quite pointless, is that I mean the way in which I live my life. The thoughts I have, the words I say, my actions, and afterthoughts of said actions. The fact that I even adopt/express opinions is pointless and unnecessary when I could be spending that time doing productive activities.

But the real problem is that this is all done out of habit now. It's a habit to think about how I would be perceived from the outside- oh not to mention the fact that I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I'm just a brain. I see the world through these eyes, blurred or clear. I think thoughts (unless those really are intrusive) that influence the actions that are taken in this body. Is it me or is it this body? Autopilot does not truly exist and is simply a state of being that we can only wish we were in. It's a habit to be much too aware of my facial expressions and the way I move my mouth, I can no longer be natural on my own. It's habit to complain and ramble on about my state of being when I couldn't care less, it just seems soooo interesting that my mind has to think it. I sincerely do not care whether I am smiling or frowning right now. Or if my eyes feel droopy and tired.

I'm alone and yet I think. And that is truly pointless. what is my life. im pretty sure its staying like this for quite a while. for the next two years or so if im not mistaken. i dont think i'll grow much. i don't think my face will change much. my workload may be messed with though. but i expect nothing less. i feel a bit sick thinking this way right now.

I consider myself to be quite stupid when it comes to life. I do not know the true meaning of intelligence, wisdom, or being smart. I know that my social skills are horrendous. Literal heart palpitations when I'm called on to read something or answer anything at all. It gets so loud that I wonder if anyone else can hear it. And this is with people I know and am familiar (enough) with for more than 2 years. Not friends though. I know that I make very stupid decisions, like getting distracted from my work and resigning to my fate of turning work in hours late, willingly. Despite knowing the consequences. Despite knowing what is the right and wrong choice to make, I make decisions like these over and over and over and over and over again. I wonder why. Being aware of it may only be making it worse for me. I think a bit too much. It's because I'm left to think so much all on my own that I end up twisting things up for myself. How I see the world, how I see my community, my friends, and how I see myself. I'm constantly switching and playing with ideas of my body and self. Between reality and delusion, with nothing, no one, here to snap me out of my cycle of mistakes and imagined situation. I cannot daydream, and my imagination is not great in the visual sense, but I am oh so great at ruining things for myself with idle thoughts. My imagination comes in word format but I cannot make a good story. When my imagination is visual, it's foggy, and nothing is happening. Just a mindspace and made up characters existing.

I suppose my time is so unrestricted that I'm self-destructing. Children really should not be left to their own devices... -Sincerely, a child.
As a teenager, it is apparently in my nature to be naïve and dumb in that impulsive sense. So I don't really think it fair of them to make me manage my time on my own so early. I want to have the same school experience as all those before me, because somehow. Somehow I feel more imprisoned by school at home than I ever did inside the school building. Why am I writing this again? It's disorienting, to ponder whether or not i should even be writing here when it's quite clear that I should be working right now anyway. Like, no, I shouldn't be writing, not now at least. I think my eyes are a bit messed up, that'd be my fault. It just isn't fair, and complaining is pointless, I know, but all of this is pointless, we all die in the end y'know.

Sometimes I wish that I had a friend that was really on the same wavelength as me, but I think that I'm hoping for someone exactly like me. Someone that 'understands' me as I understand them, because they are me. But that's not how things work. I don't have a platonic soulmate but I do have a best friend who shares telepathic moments with me sometimes. I've only known her for 3 years and yet I still know very little. I haven't seen her in person in two years- maybe three, so I guess that makes sense. Unfortunate as it is. Perhaps I simply crave intimacy from someone new. Someone that isn't family. That makes sense right? I wouldn't want to hug my siblings because that's just not appealing whatsoever to me. I cannot linger on the thought.

I often fall into these situations where I binge fanfiction instead of working. It hasn't happened for a while now because I've just been substituting those for hour long naps to avoid thinking, working, or making my headaches worse. I'm not sure if there is genuine interest behind those periods of time, I may just be so bored of my work that anything else seems like a better option. Every choice is idiotic regardless. All or nothing with me? Either I stop catering to all of my wants or state of comfort and prioritize needs and tasks. Or I try to accommodate both, fail, and end up falling into the trap of chasing all my wants and desires. On one hand (I've been over this before, I remember a certain entry where I was talking about warring sides (why was I so abstract a few months ago) with one side that pushed for working on this and that, finishing these chores, and a bunch of organized stuff. and the other side was all about listening to music, playing some games, and watching/reading this or that. i dont remember my choice), one of those would allow for me to follow an organized routine where even if I don't get everything done, I get a large chunk done and can say I did my best in the time allotted. The other would mean failure, in one way or another, and disappointment from myself for having waited until the last minute to do something again. My brain feels wonky, sleep deprivation? No I have to make up for it.

I know the right answer here, and the wrong answer, as always. So what are the factors pushing against the logical decision being made? There are opinions and facts. Feelings and logic at hand. In my opinion, it would be nice to have a good routine where thoughts become unnecessary and I just do what is required of me and move on smoothly, or as smooth as I am able. In my opinion, a routine like that doesn't allow feelings to flow properly, curiosity and mind wandering turning into a single google search that takes my mind off the original task completely. What a terrible way to end up breaking that routine trance. In my opinion, I need to suck it up and grow up, stop complaining and ignore the off task thoughts that seemingly come out of nowhere. The fact of the matter is that, in order to get through this school year with the least amount of mental struggle, I need to get things together and stop with this deviant behavior. Feeling-wise, it- (when I'm working my thoughts get inappropriately off topic and I end up letting my mind wander which just distracts me further even if I think that getting it out of my system would help, it really just prolongs the amount of time I waste on something that could be solved by simply bypassing the thought)- would be uncomfortable to ignore wants, such as wanting to throw my computer out of my window to get rid of my source of boredom and stress. But I know that this is what needs to be done. But there is such a vast difference between knowing and doing.

Being aware and being proactive. The difference between failure and success. Procrastination and working. Stress and frustration, but that is better than inactivity. The difference between stupid and wise decision making skills. Self regulation. Time management.

I've reached this conclusion hundreds of times. Maybe thousands over in my mind. The neurological connections in my mind must be used to this train of thought? Decisions? Conclusions, doesn't matter. I need to stop this madness. No more late nights staying up until 4am. No more deciding to start an assignment later on because the teacher made it look like something much more huge than it is (though its bound to be more difficult when you WAIT UNTIL THE LAST DAY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT). (TWO FUDGING WEEKS BRO). I know what happens when I allow access to music, to youtube, to my phone. I know what happens when I let myself break the rules a little bit. Give an inch and I'll take a kilometer. Then I'll take the mile because of the buildup. In short, I know I shouldn't be allowed any leeway. I should be denied even the littlest of distractions during work hours. (...delayed gratification...off task again) It's easy to plan but acting it out seems to be quite the assignment for me. It's even harder when it's just you pushing you. Well actually, it's just harder when you're the only one that has the responsibility of keeping yourself in check. Especially because me is the one who wants to be off task in the first place. Where did my past work drive go, where did it even come from?

I'm facing the consequences.

-I'm going to sleep.
-I have to complete that portion of the health project, the art assignment, those biology assignments, and more math assignments than was originally meant to be done. That's what happens.
-I need to have lunch without breakfast for some reason. Unless...
I'm so confused. It's encouraged that kids get like 60 minutes of physical activity a day but I don't do anything besides sit here and work (not really i sit here and type and get distracted), eat, then sleep. I think I'd be considered out of shape. Metabolism may keep me from gaining lots of weight but my muscle/strength and stamina is what is most likely lacking now. I'm not gonna run because, self-consciousness duh. But that means I have to do something inside, and I can do that, it's just the time frame that I have to think about. I don't fancy showering in the middle of the day. But showering at night makes me feel...off. But exercising in the morning would mean exercising in the living room because I won't exercise in this shared room why would i ever risk getting caught exercising by that dude please, couldn't be me lmaoaoaoaoaoaoaaoaoaoa

-Exercise in living room in the morning ( DO I HAVE TO BE A MORNIN GPEROSN- no maybe I could just tolerate mornings without channeling any energy into a mood)

Identifying this stupid mood before I lose it. I feel bored of my distractions, my method of procrastination, and I have work that I'm meant to have done. Those are usually always the circumstances, except I usually end up not getting enough rest following the creation of a plan.

-eat moderately

exercise? but why why would i exercise when i could just not? will i die? why is my mom not telling me to exercise if its something so important to get in on my own? why isnt the school telling me to do it? nvm they dont care. but really why isn't it being forced if its so recommended? you know what. NO. I'm not exercising. and i'll suffer the eventual consequences of this decision but for now the answers no.

-put away distractions during work hours, no music (this is gonna kill me, this is gonna be the death of me, why have i allowed myself to become so dependent on music blasting in my ears (do my ears experience a separate boredom or something, why do i feel the need to be listening to something all the time, why cant i enjoy silence, and why am i so annoyed when silence is interrupted if i dont like it in the first place, why is my line of sight lowering right now) 😀what)
-dont work in certain subject over the limit until its time again (u know what im talking about, perfectionism is your enemy here)
-no thoughts, no wandering, just work/focus
-actually sleep at like um 10 because I cant keep this up. 10pm-5am isnt wild. thats 7 hours. idk how much sleep teens are meant to get but this is an upgrade from those power naps that i use to power throughout the day instead. wait fudge its im ITS 3AM...iiiii theres no way around this. maybe i should take my showers at night.
-its not that im blocking out emotions its just that theyre going to be freaking put away so that i can complete my work bruh pls

gotta vacuum. if its 11:53-12:53 i could vacuum then sleep.

I'm going to feel like killing myself so maybe if I could find something else to focus on and just drone on. Typically, that would be Armin, because he's such a beautiful (non)existence but I feel like something more relevant and inspiring might help (armin's existence is a part of my will to live).
im getting that sick shaky feel. i cant tell if its that hypoglycemia thing or if this is just how normal hunger feels but it feels like death ngl. i literally had noodles a few hours ago. why. i'll have more of that meat thingy. even typing feels strange when im shaky, this is only slightly less bad than how shaky- wait no, i legitimately wobble when im speaking- EVEN STANDING- in front of a crowd of people, man that was so scary, and being aware of how illogical that fight or flight response was and not being able to stop is so so (for lack of better word) not good feeling. im so lucky to have food. food that tastes good. omg.

will to work?/???? if my grades drop i'll probably lose my phone and then i wont be able to use my headphones. done. im so smart.

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