from my heart
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2021-10-04 16:43:52 (UTC)

stuff on my mind

5:43 pm

i feel like i have a lot on my mind but everything is kind of foggy because i try to ignore all my problems. sometimes i want to talk to people about what's on my mind but i dont really have anyone that i feel like i can go to anymore

thats why i started journaling a lot which really helps but still, sometimes i just wish i can have someone to tell about whats on my mind.. so i guess thats why im writing here because its kind of like im sharing to someone.. i guess..

so its been around 10 months since my mom and my stepdad officially broke things off and my stepdad left. he has been in and out of my life for a long while.. i knew him for about 11 years now which is kind of crazy because thats longer than how long i knew my real dad.

right after my dad passed away, i believe in less than a year my mom met my stepdad and they starting dating.. i dont think my mom ever fully healed from my dads death and i think my stepdad was her rebound.. we needed him because we didnt have any money or anything to survive after my dad passed away because my aunt kicked us out

i dont think anyone is a bad person.. i feel like everyone is good or maybe thats just wishful thinking.. well obviously when i found out my mom was going to remarry my stepdad i was upset and i remember feeling very confused because there were a lot of changes in my life. suddenly my dad who was always there every morning was just replaced by emptiness and soon after a new sound of a man that i didnt recognize.

but my mom laughed with this new man and she was happier. i didnt like that she found someone new so quickly but i was only a child so i had no choice but to follow what adults would tell me to do.. luckily i wasnt alone, i had my younger sister who was really bubbly and energetic. we were both scared of our stepdad because he was so different from our actual dad. mom made us call him "dad" even though he never felt like a dad, more like a stranger that lived with us. he was more cranky and he would get mad often. it felt like he took away our freedom.

my actual dad would come home from work and my sister and i would run to his arms and would feel so safe and comforted in his embrace. but when my stepdad came home from work we would quickly say hello and run back to our rooms. my sister and i's favorite times were when he would go on week long business trips because then we could sing loudly in the living room and not have to take forced naps from 2-4 pm. those weeks would feel so short.

during my elementary school years, i remember a few times where my mom was very distressed by the relationship that she had with my stepdad. i remember waking up in the middle of the night by the sound of my mom crying on the kitchen floor. i remember feeling very concerned and worried for my mom. she had told me that our stepdad ran away from home and she didnt know what to do because she didnt have a job or a car or anything.. feelings are confusing because even though i didnt like my stepdad around, we needed him in our lives..

in the beginning of the whole marriage between him and my mom, he told her that he would provide for her so she didnt have to worry about having a job or anything like that. i dont know if he was abusive or not. but he was very controlling and wouldnt let my mom get a car so when we were younger, my sister, mom and i would take long walks to the supermarket and basically walk everywhere.

when i started high school my mom, sister and i all went on a vacation to korea to meet our relatives. it was always the the three of us. even when it was supposed to be a family of four or at least thats what my mom said, i always felt like it was three. we had to secretly go to korea when my stepdad was on a business trip because he wouldnt allow us to go. however, secrets can be hard to hide and my stepdad eventually found out. he was very angry and left us again. my mom was tired of his bullshit and decided that she wasnt going to depend on him anymore. somehow things worked out and we moved into a new home and life was good.

i didnt feel uncomfortable in my own home and being a family of three felt way better than three plus a stranger we called "dad". even writing this, it feels refreshing to say that he was my stepdad because back then i had to say dad.

in my senior year of high school, on february of last year my stepdad came knocking at our door yelling my moms name all night. he wouldnt stop drunkenly yelling and apologizing. he did it all night and it was starting to snow outside too. the morning after he was sleeping in our backyard and i had to call the police to pick him up. he ended up in the hospital and had gotten frostbite.. my mom swore that she wouldnt take him back, that she had been done with him and that the divorce papers with him was even almost finalized but she ended up taking him back.

she said she didnt want to not take him back and regret it. so back to square one. back to feeling uncomfortable at home. back to being silent. it's interesting how i could see how much i have changed from when i was younger to now because i wasnt as afraid of him anymore. and i actually tried to be nice and welcoming to him. i could see he tried too. its always the beginning when things seem good. and i learned that you cant just expect everything to stay the same as it started because the end is usually completely different. happy beginning dont guarantee happy endings.

i worked a lot (still do) at my part time job at the restaurant so i wasnt home often. i could tell that my mom and him wanted to spend family time but i used work as an excuse not to. i dont know if i regret being unavailable because maybe thats why the relationship between my mom and him kind of broke apart. since i wasnt there and didnt seem too interested in spending time with family maybe my stepdad felt like his efforts to try and be a better dad felt like it was all for nothing.

there was one big fight that caused the end of my mom and stepdads relationship. i guess some people are just not meant for each other.

its too much to think about what went on but all i can really focus on is that i never even got to say goodbye. i think that is what upsets me for everything that has happened in my life is that i was never prepared for who came in and out of my life.. even though i didnt really like my stepdad and even if he was toxic i still felt somewhat attached to his presence. i didnt want to say goodbye.

i feel sad when i think about it so i try not to think about it. my moms meeting someone new now. hes really nice and makes my mom happy and im happy for her. a few days ago my mom told me my stepdad keeps messaging her and has been harassing her. he threatened to do something if she keeps on ignoring him. so yesterday she reported him to the police.

i dont hate my stepdad but i just have bitter feelings of resentment. i want to tell him how hurtful he can be and i want to just know that everyone in my family will be happy and heal i guess. but i cant..