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Ezoic
2021-10-04 19:15:01 (UTC)

chill

I take back what I said. I need to chill and be more like that one dude. Because I know. It's better not to do that. It's better to be averse to it all. To school, people, talking. Fall back into my original place. Kind of near where I was last year. Generally depressed but at least I wasn't making it anyone else's problem. I just need to shut up again. I was always in my head. Didn't mouth anything didn't talk out loud. Stuck in my head, my feelings festered and were spilled out into these two diaries. Then there was the body thing. I still hated it even then. Pretty sure I tried to kill myself with heat one time or something, like sweat myself to death or whatever, I don't even know. That reminds me, those transmigration stories from novelupdates. I was binging those and the Studio Ghibli movies. And reading random manga. I'm talking Nana to Kaoru bruh. I was so lost. And maybe I should lose myself again. Return to introspection rather than these rants and complaints. Back then it was really more basic. Not avoiding topics or filtering myself. I was miserable, but I kept to myself.
Lose myself? Usually doesn't entail anything. Just finding a few apps to continue coming back to and a dreadful routine to do in autopilot. I know I've lost interest in the transmigration thing for now so maybe it could be sleep. I'll lose myself to sleep. No thoughts, no straining eyes, no school stress. Just the fan, the blanket, and the grip of the void pulling me into unconsciousness. Lol. I used to hate smiling a lot. I still hate the feeling. Because I know what it looks like. Sleep and music.

I have a few assignments due in like 4 hours. Bye.


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