Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-10-03 17:58:16 (UTC)

What Sarah Said

I feel so much more in touch with my emotions these days, and I'm not sure if I think it's a good or a bad thing. I'm not afraid to look weak or cry, but it is a lot easier to deal with it in silence or behind closed doors. Simplicity. I don't think I'm afraid to ask for help if I need it, but I much prefer to do things alone if I can. I don't think I'd want to bother people with issues, and I so often find myself starting conversations generally, and if I don't...they likely won't happen, which makes me feel less important I suppose. Not to mention most of my friends aren't very emotional, or maybe similarly to me they prefer to deal with it themselves, so we don't ever really have serious conversations, which makes things harder I guess. I suppose I have normalised dealing with things alone, and usually it's okay. I think stress is a big factor lately. I'm stressing about university, I'm stressing about friends, about families health and wellbeing, wondering if M is doing okay. I'm just feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have probably cried more in the last month than I have in years, and I can't even explain why. Even doing the story in XIV has made me cry 3-4 times and that's something that wouldn't usually occur. I guess I just feel a bit vulnerable at the minute.

I've been listening to a lot of Brand New and Death Cab for Cutie today (hence the title of this entry) and they have always been bands that have really spoken to me. There has always been a strange comfort in sad and depressing music, I suppose maybe it makes me feel less alone? I'm not sure. It also oddly reminds me of better times too. I associate albums with WoW expansions, what music I was listening to roundabout that time period, and I suppose that makes me feel happier, because life generally was better back then. I just feel out of sorts at the minute, and think I need to snap out of things. I have some exciting events coming up which I should try and get hyped for but at the minute it's just no good. I was also informed for my friends wedding last night that I will be sitting on the so called 'singles table', so I'm dreading that. I won't be alone on that table at least, two of my friends are there too, who are absolutely looking for women interaction more than myself.

My stance on relationships right now is just completely screwed up, and I don't really know what to do. Me and M broke up a while ago and then two people confessed their feelings for me, and everything is just whack. I'm not even sure if I know what I want anymore, like generally speaking. I still think about M a lot and have been tempted to reach out to her, but I don't think it would be good for either of us. I think I thought I would have everything sorted by the time I reached 30, but I'm still nowhere near comfortable or in a position I feel remotely happy with it. Getting to my second year of university has been a huge achievement and something I never ever expected to do, but as far as relationships/family go. I don't know anymore. What Sarah Said is a beautifully written song and I think for me, the song is about telling the person you love, that you do love them, before it's too late and you end up regretting it for the rest of your life. The lyrics 'Love is watching someone die. So who's gonna watch you die?' hits so incredibly hard: loving somebody, growing old with them, being there for every moment, every day and second we are closer to death. We are dying, so who is going to be with us whilst we live? I think the lyric makes you question the loyalty of those around you, or the confidence in the loyalty of those around you. It hits me on so many levels and it's impossible to listen to without crying now.

So who's gonna watch you die?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGFgpAZZzvo What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie


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