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2021-10-02 23:20:56 (UTC)

Feel good πŸ“

I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of acting as though someone cares and knowing I’m stupid because no one does. No one is watching me and waiting for my next move. No one is observing the actions I make. No one is listening in case I speak. No one knows I exist besides my family and *those* people, not that that counts for anything. At all.
I’m tired of caring. I’m tired of thinking about how I’m perceived. I’m tired of thinking of what someone else thinks, because I know it doesn’t matter. This is an irrational behavior and I feel stupid for caring. Thinking that I’m being considerate by fudging removing myself for not providing anything to a conversation or chat. For wanting to talk in every social situation when really, there’s no point. Im tired of wanting anything to do with these people. Im tired of desiring socialization. I want to die so I no longer hate myself. So I can’t make any more choices to hate on. So that I can love myself for inactivity alone. Because it feels like a smart decision to leave. And leave these people alone. They’re not NPCs or robots. They’re regular people who do normal things and think normal things and talk like normal people, I, I do not, I cannot keep up nor can I get over the little things.
And I’m tired of caring how I look. Tired of caring about if my feelings and thoughts are bad. Tired of hoping and giving up repeatedly, nothing changes. Tired of thinking I’ve changed when I haven’t. I just get ideas and think I’m pursuing them for a few hours then forget. I’m tired of constantly pushing aside things that actually matter in favor of analyzing my nonexistent personality or killing my brain cells scrolling through social media just to end up in the same place again.

Yes, im complaining. Because I’d rather be honest and put my thoughts down and wow I forgot what I was gonna say. Who cares. I hate everything. You know what. Why not pity myself. Who cares about self hate. Who cares about self consciousness. Frick that.
In short, fuck humanity. And all that they stand for. And everything they make me feel. I force myself if I want to. And I’ll do this if I want to. This is yet another ‘change’ brought on by fatigue. Just kill me, at this point. Hostility it is.

Any social media I could think about and the fudgin bleak opportunities to talk to ppl and me taking things way too seriously I don’t even care about how stupid that is anymore my music is blasting and I hope I go deaf. Not like future me would care anyway. Life would be that much easier if I couldn’t hear what people had to say. I don’t wanna be a loser. Well actually I don’t care if I’m a loser I just want a person. But what I don’t realize is that there is still a pandemic on this earth and I’m not always gonna get what I want no matter how much of a spoiled fudgin brat I am. I’ve gotten so used to getting things that I’ve desired that my Brian mustve been completed frickin (πŸ’€) rewired wtf. So no peopel. And no fudgin conspiracy theory about me living in an alternate dimension where everyone outside of my town is fictional and I’m stuck here with these corner people. I live in a fudging town with real fudging people. And a family. A church. No one that I’d want to talk to but that can’t be helped until we move- actually no, not until this pandemic dies off. Of course, we can never tell when that’ll happen. Go fuckin figure. I have a beauty mark on my freaking thumb, and it’s beautiful. There’s always a what are you gonna do about it, after I have thoughts like these and that’s where the fickle and short lived change comes about. Always wanting someone to say something to me, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, indirectly directly attention seeking behavior. NotFatherless behavior.
Sometimes I open this old fudgin website and expect to see a entry with something I can relate with, nope. Just apartment complex drama and poems for anonymous loved ones. And I could not care less after about 3 skimmed words so it makes sense. A lot of sense. Spotify ads can go fuck themselves.

Expletives. Just kill me already. I’ve been waiting. What did I want again. Right. People. Maybe I’m just misanthropic. I hate people and feelings they force me to go through. You guys suck. Maybe force the black hole ive created for this dimension to be more uh more uh what’s the word enclosed? No frick uhhhhhh opposite of dilation ummm whatever make it smaller. If the black hole starts with me and ends with me then that means I’m alone on this and I’ll continue to do that until I’ve exaggerated every single aspect of my life. Everyone’s sure to be going through something. Not that I currently know or care. But that’s a thing I’ve acknowledged. But I wouldn’t fudgin know a thing, in fact idk if any of y’all frickin exist, and I am half way between hoping you don’t and ..
How dare you make me acknowledge your existence in my own entry. Hell nah

I hate this. I hate you. I hate everything and I hate myself. So what’s new. My throat hurts. Were my entries once relevant? I’m not looking. Way too much work πŸ₯± I forgot what I was talking about. What was it. Tiredness. Yeah I don’t care. It’s just a total buzz kill when I really get strung up and then realize nobody cares that I exist, at least no one that I care to know about right now. That may be mean and stupid of me but I legitimately couldn’t care less rn, unfortunately. It was…I’m so dramatic. I’m tired of myself. Yep that’s it. I’m tired of my dramatics. I’ve gotten bored of them even though they’re ingrained in me. The brattiness and the awareness. I’d rather be unaware and not care. In other words, ignorant. Ignorance is bliss, as they say. Dang that’s tuff. I need to drop this crap before the year ends. It’s so dumb. It’s not that I used to be cooler, it’s that I used to have my fudging priorities straight without thinking too hard about things that progressed naturally or simply didn’t matter at all. IT WAS in that way that I was able to find things that I personally liked without LOOKING AT WHATS POPULAR SO THAT I CAN MAKE IT WORK WITH PEOPLE OH wow I’m so

Hilarious. Glitchpop huh. Done. Just done with myself and people. Oh what they do to me😩 they fuckin suck.
Someone said I sound American once. Disgusting.
Someone said I sound 10 once. Whats disgusting about that is that I remember that crap just how insecure about your voice can you be? It’s just a voice. There’s no disconnect if there’s insecurity attached.
Someone once said that I wasn’t funny years a-fudging-go.
Someone called me funny about half a year ago.

I. I hate ads. But I have no money😁. So much time wasted on nothing. Why do I care so much about nothingness. Why do I commit so many irrational actions that end with me being upset with myself and the people around me? Why am I so vague? None of this makes sense nor can it be strung together nor does it matter because no ones gonna read back on this! She knows. She knows. She knows. Oh.

I’m not gonna binge watch those shows. Because I don’t have the fudging time as I’ve been spending it all doing what? I don’t even remember, it was all that unimportant. Fuck Netflix. And fuck Genshin impact, great game, and useless time waster for me. Frick those people on those apps. They can keep their “Online friends” bullcrap to themselves. Frick Omegle and it’s pedophiles and creeps and people who take too long to type. Frick main characters and side characters and associated life with fiction at all, who even thoughts of that, let humans be nameless sims, just cogs in the murder machine. Frick accessories and jewelry, they don’t matter to me. Frick appearances, not like they matter in the long run, being pretty doesn’t mean you won’t die first if I eat healthy🀬. Frick iMessages, I’m becoming a mean person because I’ve been given the opportunity to be seen at all or have opinions formed about me. Frick gender, I don’t fudgin feel a thing, guess I’m genderless or defective, gotta love that. Frick. I hate expletives but I don’t know any other way to say f$ck and I don’t care enough to try. Frick sexuality, I don’t feel a thing for you humans, some of y’all are fudgin ethereal looking for no reason 🀨 or whatever, but other than Armin and Loki and the one character from everything sucks, I feel absolutely nothing for any of you and never have, once again defective and unable to understand love but whatever.

Btw, I hate you <3
Especially you.
But like fr. Text me. And love me. And pick me. And choose me. πŸ₯°
WHAT A fickle bit-

I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW I KNOW. I’m selfish. And I want someone to love me without expecting love in return. And I don’t care enough to shove that back where it came from. Because I’m want that. Maybe I should just love myself since this incredibly intimidating species that I’m apparently apart of is just too annoying and nerve wracking for me to comprehend living with.

And I love myself so much that I’m going to disregard anything I think or do that isn’t for the sake or considerate of others. I’m gonna cry there’s so much pressure on my eyes the fudgin fan is right in front of my face. I should be ambifudgindextrous. My right hand hurts like he$$ and my thumb can’t take this treatment anymore.

So anyway. Resist I guess. Resist that urge. To talk. And talk and talk. Write. Just write. And work. And clean. And think. And read those fudging books so I can stop looking at them and wincing from the wasted money. And play that fudging game instead of going on social media so I CAN STOP WINCING AND PLAY DETROIT BECOME HUMAN AGAIN YOU GOT LIKE TWO ENDINGS SND LEFT IT THERE BRO LIKE WHAT HUH WHO DOES THAT. I can’t. Absolutely cannot. And learn French. And learn to write with both hands. And keep the color scheme. Wow my ears. What do a firefighter. A life guard and a thing have in common? They all hate ads. #banAds2021

Somethin bad is bout to happen to me.
I was gonna. Frick. SO IGNORE. and WORK OR SOEMTHING FUDGE THERES THAT ASSIGNMENT. FUDGING HESLTH WHY DOES IT EXIST.
-ignore it
-health assignment
-other health assignment
-church stuff
-hygiene
-only you babe only you my girl only you babe only you dar WHAT IF SHES FINE ITS MY MIDN THATS WROOO FAR TOO LONGNNGGGFG
-shut up
-the fudging Nintendo switch lite wtf
Done fudgin tryin not gonna sprain my brain cells trying to do something I’m obviously not interested in or capable of doing. I’m just addicted to that feeling of succeeding. But I don’t need to succeed here. It’s like porn. Once you drop from that high it’s just negative feelings. So don’t go up the rollercoaster. Don’t be horny. Don’t be lonely. Just be misanthropic and asexual. Wait that’s not how it works but idc. I said what I said and nobody gonna do anything anyway so who cares. On that note no ones gonna see this. I have no group to get ostracized fromπŸ˜€ so like what was it again yeha I need to take that shower and pick out those clothes and use the switch more often or once at all learn to use my left hand and learn French AND finish that hw ignored and stop thinking about irrelevant people or that urge.
And glitchpop. Dropping anime AINT nobody got the fudging time to watch tv like that
Marvel? Might. With B and all. πŸ’€πŸ’€

Not caring is more like being too lazy tgaf. Nobody cares what my personality or what I think my personality is so they will never ask what my personality- tf. If they ask I’ll just say what I think why am I thinking so much abt that πŸ’€ ew.
I hate everyone. There. But then behavioral wise I just want work out of the way, and ppl to get out of my way, so that I can listen to music and play games in peace. And maybe it’ll work if I actually do this right.

-the smile, fudgin tired. Don’t do it for them. Not for them either. And definitely not for them.
-EVERYRHJNG J NEED TK FO H KEPE CORGRTKTNG
-personalized but not mainstream, just don’t even try
If I live under a rock, it’s comfy and I’m staying.
-honesty? Idk I guess I’ll say whatever let’s me out of the situation easily.

With all that nonsensical shiz being said. I gotta wake up easily tmrw do those things then go work. Then go to church then work again. My throat still hurts😭. Then whattt, idk when I’ll finish working so ima just grind and hope I get somewhere. Dramatics are trash, bro just FEEL YOU DONT ALAYS HAVE TK MANE AN EXPRESSION PLS I HATE THAT. Jn sk dkne.


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